Were you worried, Dance Moms faithful … or Dance Moms Desperate . .. or whatever we’re calling ourselves now?Â I’m sorry I’m late. I had a short-notice thing to do in New York. And I’ll admit I did consider bagging out on this one, just for a little respite, a dab of relief.
But then I spotted a familiar face in the promo. A good, kind, nice kid, like the seven other good, kind, nice kids we’re trying desperately to support.
Zack Torres. From Abby’s Ultimate Dance Competition. And his nice mom Gina. Dancing on the newly reinvented all-boy Candy Apples team. So I had to watch. And since I had to watch,Â let’s do the Cliffs Notes version of this week’s episode, “Boys Are Cuties, Girls Have Cooties.”
This is what Fourth looks like:
We haven’t seen the likes of it in 25 years.
This is what Moms of Fourth look like. Melissa found her glasses. Christi lost her shoes.
Here’s the pyramid. Look. The top spot went to a blank sheet of paper.
I don’t remember it dancing.
This is what pissed at your mom for where you are on the pyramid looks like:
Here’s where we’re off to this week:Â On Stage America in Voorhees, NJ.
Here are this week’s message dances:
Kendall’s solo: “I Owe You Nothing.” Got that, Jill? Nothing.
Nia’s solo: “A Hundred Years From Now.” Because that’s when she might actually fix her feet. Or score another solo.
Chloe’s solo: “Left In The Dark.” Because that’s what most of us are about why Abby is so perpetually ticked at this poor, silent kid.
Here’s what will get you kicked off the team during the group dance:
Yes, ladies and gentlemen, you can be kicked off the team at the drop of a hat. Where’s my rimshot?
Here’s Zack. Apparently Abby invited him to dance at the ALDC, but here he is at Cathy’s.
This is Gina:
Here’s Cathy Stein’s big screen, digital version of the pyramid which makes a nice munchy-apple sound when the pictures turn around.
The other boys are â€” and I make no claims to correct spelling here â€” Bryant, Jaylin and Gino. Jaylin’s special talent is spending more time on his head than he does on his feet. Like so:
Here’s Melissa getting mad at the moms and walking out:
This is Melissa sucking up and regretting ever taking part in theÂ silent protest:
This is Jill getting herself into trouble:
This is the very adorable reason why you might not want to drink out of the water fountain if you go for a visit to the ALDC, God rest her little poochie soul. Moment of silence for Broadway Baby.
This is Jill doing a preemptive strike in the sucking up department because she knows she is in trouble.
Good girl, Broadway Baby! Good girl, Jill!
Here’s a problem:
Here’s another one:
Abby spy-techs the competition and finds out that Cathy and Co. will be in Voorhees. Actually she finds out one team from Ohio will be there. Apparently Cathy’s is the only one there is.
Here’s the Boy Apples doing hip-hop as choreographed by Nick Anthony who has come all the way from LA. Aw! Mitchell A. Finke, you lost your gig!
Here is. Jill. Going. Home:
Here’s no one else leaving with her. Dance Mom solidarity has its limits.
OK, someone feels a leeeeettle guilty about that:
Here’s Jill coming back after a lecture from Abby about how Kendall getting yelled at a lot is like her getting $10,000. I’m pretty sure that mostly blew Jill’s mind rather than change it, but whatever gets ya back on the bus.
Aaaaaaaaaaaggggghhhhhhhhhhhhhh … weirdos:
Here’s Abby trying to psyche Cathy and her boys out with souvenir ALDC t-shirts:
Cathy says they will make nice dust rags. Oh, Cathy. Boys don’t dust.
Here are the solo performances.
What is this? Nia gets a Maddie solo. A pretty costume. Elegant movements. Mature expressions.
She looks lovely. Abby says it was just OK.
Here’s Kendall’s typically sassy solo:
She looks typically great. I wonder if this is the no-no costume, or one of Abby’s?
Here’s Chloe’s rag-doll solo:
Huh. I think there are much better ways to show off Chloe’s talent than that.
There are. Kendall gets third. Nia and Chloe don’t even place. I don’t see that on the actual results, but whatever.
Here are the boys Own-ing It. They certainly do.
Here’s Pink Lemonade. Tres Frenchie!
Here’s what Abby will use as her excuse if Own It beats Pink Lemonade:
Yelling! Yelling! Yelling!
Here’s Christi leaving with Chloe. And the nice spectators she wants to GET AWAY FROM HER! What is on that one guy’s face?! Maybe the girls really do have cooties.
Wow. The Pitt Crew has gotten tough. No one even blinks that the Lukasiaks are gone. Hmmmm.
One. Tenth. Of. A. Point. Separates one and two. Been a while since that happened.
Guess who wins? Here’s a hint:
Brief moment of unity and celebration. Brief. Because…
Next week, more Cathy and the Man Dancers … and WATER FIGHT! With an extra dash of purse-clobbering!
A new, 90-minute episode of Dance Moms premieres next Tues., Feb.12 at 9/8CT on Lifetime.