We’re in Texas and it’s hot. One potential contestant goes into labor waiting to audition. Do I need to tell you that she names the baby Idol? You can see this stuff a mile away.
First up, Jennifer, a former methhead who’s now a sober & happy mom. Unfortunately she likes singing “Jesus Take the Wheel.” In times like that, Jesus tells me to grab the steering wheel & remember the driver’s ed instructor he sent me when I was a teenager. Thankfully she’ll be singing The Pretenders for her audition. Good choice, and she does it well. She’s going to Hollywood.
Next up is Paul, the spastic dancer. For his day job, he tends to a baseball park and he’s a member of the National Rollercoaster Enthusiasts. I have a feeling he’ll be keeping his day job. He’s singing Elliot Yamin’s “Wait for You.” He’s got kind of a Sesame Street affectation to his voice — the occasional deepness of an Oscar, with the tempo of a Grover. They’re putting through a lot of seemingly nice people who aren’t very good. At least they seem to have better self-esteem than others. Mental stability is a plus, and I’m sure it’s an even bigger plus when you’re in that audition room.
Beth is up next and her job was a singing waitress at a fondue restaurant. She’s singing “Beautiful Disaster” by Kelly Clarkson. She’s a bit on the screetchy nasally side. She’s not going through.
Alaina thinks Carrie Underwood looks like her and she’ll be singing “Stronger” by Faith Hill. She’s pretty good, but Simon doesn’t think that she’s as good as she thinks she is. She’s through to Hollywood anyway. I love it in Hollywood week when all of the good singers are together. When they’re all up against each other, it’s easier to tell who actually is a good singer. But for now, she’ll do.
Time for a weird break — there’s a brother & sister team doing a kind of folky-Ren Faire-cultish kind of a song. Very weird. Then we have the weird son & father team. He’s never kissed a girl at the age of 19 and has a key that he wears. His FATHER is wearing the heart part to give to his future wife. Creepy. Way creepy. Simon is thinking “this is why we kicked the Puritans out of England.” He’s planning on having his first kiss on his wedding day. He doesn’t make it through and the judges give him the advice to kiss some girls.
Pia from Chicago has way cool hair. It’s an orange mohawk, very Meshell Ndegeocello. She’s got a great voice & definitely has style. She’s going to Hollywood, and when she collapses on the way out, I see that she’s got Magic carved in the back of her hair. She better make it through — I don’t want to get invested & not even see her in Hollywood week.
Ryan’s talking to Brandon and he shows Ryan his fingernail clipping collection. Seriously ew. I suppose that’s one way to get on TV. He tells the judges that he wants to be a better person in Hollywood, unlike Paris & Britney. He’s singing “Rich Girl” by Billy Joel. Simon calls him forgettable. Paula likes him and Randy likes the tone. He’s going to Hollywood. I’m sure that whoever he rooms with hopes that he leaves the collection at home.
Kayla is our designated farmgirl for this audition. She was in a horrific car crash and her mother described her as missing half of her face. She’s made a full recovery & is super happy. She’s going to be singing some Janis and this big voice comes booming out of her. It’s not really singing, but she’s committed, and then she’s super perky after she sings. Simon says yes. Paula worries that she’s not ready for this. Randy decides to give her a chance and then she’s even more super excited & high-fiving strangers on the street.
We move into the montage of just average bad/weird people. They’re not so bad that they get introduced, and they’re not so creepy to be interesting.
Katie is next and she does vocal impressions. She does a scary-good Britney Spears vocal impression. For her audition, she starts singing “Before He Cheats” and Simon stops her, as he thinks she’s doing a Carrie Underwood impression. So she switches to “Unchained Melody” and doesn’t sound like she’s doing an impression. Simon thinks she’s the best so far of this year’s audition. They caution her from sounding like anyone else and she’s going to Hollywood.
Douglas Davidson is very serious. Very, very serious. He’s concerned about losing his voice forever. He also has serious issues with his father. Family issues on parade, hooray! At times, I thought he was ‘actressing’ but other times he had that psychotic look and my cats got a little freaked out. I can understand needing to move around while singing, but he’s pacing and sweating. And he keeps singing, to the point of needing to be taken away by security.
Angela has a model husband. He picks out “Baby Love” for her to sing. She’s not really good, but she probably sounds ok in a karaoke bar. She’s not going to Hollywood, but she’s got a model husband who loves her to pieces.
Because we’re in Texas, American Idol feels the need to do a political schtick. We’ve got a guy named Kyle who wants to one day become the governor of Oklahoma. He’s singing “Somebody to Love” by Queen. He’s apparently been in a show choir at some point in his life, given his mannerisms. Simon gives him a yes, much to Randy & Paula’s surprise. Randy gives him a no, and of course Paula says ok. We’ll see how long he lasts in Hollywood.
It’s 8:20 here in the Midwest, so time to break out the weird girl! Tammi takes…. a …. very…. long…. time… to … speak. And Celine is her idol. She’s singing “The Power of Love” no, wait, it’s “If You Ask Me To.” It takes her a very long time to decide which one she’s actually singing. When she’s rejected, she thinks the judges just weren’t ready for her.
Colton Swon is in a band and plays many instruments. He has a nice tone to his voice, with a bit of country, which isn’t surprising in Texas. Simon thinks he’s good, but a bit unoriginal. He makes it through, and asks the judges to dis him on the way out to freak out his family. It works — even Ryan thinks he didn’t make it. But he did. Psych.
Time for the drag queen/guys in dresses and or makeup! The real drag queen shows pictures of herself as a guy to show that she’s versatile. The dude in a dress sings “Turn Around Bright Eyes” and talks about breezes. That serves as the intro to a cowboy contestant, Drew. If he goes to Hollywood, it’ll be the first time he’s been on a plane. He’s singing George Strait and he’s very country. I suppose he’s ok, but he’s way country. And, seriously, Idol needs to have a guy who’s taking his first plane ride. He’s going to Hollywood, and he’s darn nice.
Oh, we’ve got an ’80s rocker on! Guyliner! Crap written on his shirt! A fake tan! Oh, ok, he’s from Edwardsville, IL. I get it. He’s going to sing “Never Again” from Kelly Clarkson. It always plays well when guys sing a song originally by a girl. Simon gives him the scary note. Paula calls him a bit Goth, and there’s a big debate over whether or not he is Goth. Kyle is firmly not Goth. After discussing that his voice isn’t that good, he of course starts singing again. It doesn’t work.
Brief commercial break: I have no love for the Mannings after knocking out my beloved Bears in last year’s Super Bowl, but the DSRL commercial was hilarious. That boy Peyton may have a career in ‘actressing.’
Kelly Clarkson came from Texas, so we’ve got a Kelly Clarkson butchering montage. It’s really bad, with a woman in whiteface, a witch costume and a guy doing the splits. We segue to a woman from Kelly’s hometown. Nina Shaw sings Whitney Houston “Run To You.” Simon thinks she’s old-fashioned and Cabaret. She gets a second chance & sings “Feelin’ Good” which doesn’t help with the old-fashioned feedback. She’s through.
Next we’ve got a crazy Asian guy. I got really sick of William Hung, so I wouldn’t mind a new crazy Asian guy to replace him. But can he compete on Ninja Warrior and make it through Stage 4? I think not. This guy, though, is decked in white & silver from head to toe. Including a fly hat with wings and cape. There’s fur. There’s rosettes. There’s quilting. There’s rick rack ribbon. Simon’s name is on his hat. He and Ryan discuss bowing, and bow to each other quite a bit. He’s singing his original composition “We’re Brothers Forever.” Reynaldo is a better singer than William Hung, thankfully. He’s not good, but he inspires interpretive dance from Paula and a sing-along from Randy and Simon. He keeps singing. It’s the end of a long day for them, and punchiness reigns supreme. It just keeps going. Simon gives him a hug when it’s all over, and the guy is thrilled he had the opportunity. He’s a huge Simon fan.
We’re heading west to San Diego next week, and I’m happy the shows are down to the one hour length.