by WindUpDoll

Finally, the part on American Idol where we get to start voting. Not that I’ll be voting. As a member of the press, I feel it’s my duty to remain completely neutral in cases like these. Except for the Presidency. I vote in that election.

Oooohhh, they’ll be singing on a PLATFORM. A platform to start their careers. Deep, Ryan. Hey, I thought this was supposed to be a whole new stage for Idol this season. Looks like the old Coca-Cola holding pen to me. Ryan explains the ‘rules’ and introduces the ‘judges.’ Yawn.

Of course, after the obligatory judge patter, we have to ‘recap’ all of the auditions of these contestants. And by ‘recap’ for some of them I mean, show for the very first time. Those guys who we haven’t heard sing before better be really, really good, or else they may end up being that term I’ve read all over the Internet — sacrificial lambs. We also have to have a break, because those first 5 minutes of television were just grueling. Whew! I’m exhausted!

Finally, we’re getting to the singing. After a brief iTunes plug. Up first — David Hernandez. He’s been through a lot. Shocking, I know. He got emotional walking up the elevator. Why didn’t someone cut that? Now he just looks dumb. Oh, tonight’s theme is — yawn — the ’60s. Actually, it might be a good theme; it just seems a bit cheesy to me. David picks “In The Midnight Hour.” I wish he were channeling Tom Jones and had big gold chains & excessive chest hair. That would bring the cheesy for me. David kind of loses things at the end. It’s ok, and he’s in the ‘death seat’ of going first. We’ll see if y’all remember him in an hour and a half.

Number two is Chikezie. He has gone the way of Fantasia and Mandisa by dropping his last name. He’s decided to work the cheese with a rust suit. He’s singing a song by “Spiral Staircase” which the name’s not ringing a bell, but I’m sure I’ve heard them before. Randy criticizes him for not modernizing things. Paula says he looks great. Simon hates everything — the suit, the wink, how old-fashioned it was. Chikezie defends his choices & rips on Simon’s clothing choice. We’ll see how fighting back works in his strategy. It usually doesn’t work this early in the game.

Number 3 is David Cook of the horrible hair. Really, it’s not good. It says ‘I may, or may not, be losing my hair, but I’ll way overcompensate with product and color streaks to mask my fear.’ Before his performance, Colton shares the obvious that he looks like Ellen DeGeneres. He’s singing ‘Happy Together.’ Oh, man, I just noticed the rag hanging out of his back pocket. Really, dude? C’mon, that’s just lame. Randy calls it ‘crazy’ and that’s a good thing. Paula also loves it. I think it was Daughtry. Randy thinks it was Alice In Chains. My friend Beth is a huge Alice In Chains fan. I’ll have to see if she got the AIC vibe off his performing.

John Henson, I mean Jason Yeager, is fourth. He’s also a dad and loves his son. He’s singing ‘Moon River.’ They shouldn’t have told us that he was working as a singing waiter ’cause I can’t get that visual out of my head while he sings. He’s got a nice voice, but he’s not doing anything new with it. It’s also not a very challenging song. Randy contradicts me on that point, but whatever. He tells us that his grandmother taught him that song. Simon thinks it was a cruise ship performance and calls Jason a ‘reliable old dog.’

Robbie Carrico, the guy who once dated Britney Spears and was in Boyz N Girlz United, is your number 5. He wants to leave his soul out there for all of us. I don’t think that’ll be quite necessary at this stage, Robbie. His selection is ‘One Is The Loneliest Number.’ I can’t tell if he actually has a falsetto or if I’m just hearing the backup singers. He’s ok, but I hate the bandanna look. Randy and Paula are loving it. Simon calls it the only current performance. I’m noticing on the close-ups that he’s got super-white teeth. I’m wondering if Crest Whitestrips is a new sponsor. Ryan calls Robbie a rocker that looks like Justin Timberlake.

Sixteen-year-old David Archuleta is up at number 6. He’s a cute kid, and it’s nice to see him not trying to be too cool. He’s singing ‘Shop Around’ and seems a bit nervous, but relaxes through the performance. He does ok — I think he avoids the ‘high school sock-hop’ taint that the song could have. The judges love it — Simon calls it the best performance of the night. He’s overwhelmed, and just so darned earnest, it’s adorable.

Oh, man Danny Noriega’s doing Elvis? Sweet. He’s our number 7. He wants to bring it to ‘Jailhouse Rock.’ He’s got the white shirt, black tie, black pants going on. He kind of looks a little Shane. He’s having fun, but I don’t know how well the song showed off his voice. Randy says he knows how to have a good time, so he liked the performance, even though the song wasn’t the best choice for him. Simon thinks the performance was bordering on grotesque and that Danny destroyed the Elvis song. We’ve got judge in-fighting about whether or not Danny was trying to be Elvis. Danny gives Simon the way gay head shake. He looks a little dejected. C’mon America — keep Danny alive!

Number 8 is Luke Menard, one of those guys we’ve never seen before. He likes an ‘I’m going to work cleaning floors hoodie’ look. He’s singing ‘Everybody’s Talking At Me.’ I think he’s our sacrificial lamb, cause for me, that was way boring. Randy calls it pitchy. Paula agrees and is glad that she’s heard good singing from him before. Simon says he was forgettable. I have to agree. Luke doesn’t agree. He thinks people are going to remember him and how comfortable he was tomorrow. No one remembers comfortable, dude.

Colton Berry, number 9, is very blond. I used to think he was the new Trac-boy, but I like the Ellen comparison more. He’s singing ‘Suspicious Minds.’ He’s already warned us that he’s got a theater background, which doesn’t help him to start, but he’s able to rein it in the ’serious’ part of the song. He does a better job of displaying his personality than others who haven’t gotten screen time before him. Simon has a problem with it. He likes how he sang the song, but he reminds Colton, and all of the contestants, that American Idol is looking for a current recording artist, so they have to do more than just sing well.

Garrett Haley, Leif Garrett and Peter Frampton are number 10. He’s not very articulate, and now that I hear him talk, I can tell how young he is. We finally get to hear his audition. Nasally is a form of singing, you know. Oh, look, he’s trying to grow facial hair. That’s cute, but really needs to go. Oh, yeah, he’s singing ‘Breaking Up Is Hard To Do.’ When he puts a little bit of power into his voice, it sounds pleasant enough. He doesn’t do that enough to wow me. Teenage girls will love him. Love him. Randy says it was kind of boring. Paula encourages him to take chances. Simon calls him on looking terrified and pale.

Dred-boy Jason Castro is number 11. He had only sung in public 5 other times, or so he claimed. He’s going to play guitar while singing ‘Daydream.’ His voice is well-suited to the ’60s theme. The dreds don’t hurt in this category either. He’s far more likable and lucid than I thought he would be, so I’m pleasantly surprised. Randy calls it a’ight. Paula was blown away. Simon thought it was in the top 2 performances of the night and that he was able to make the song current. Once the song is over, he goes back to sounding like a stoner. Now I know, he’s just scared.

Last, but not least, is the Aussie of the group, Michael Johns. He’s singing The Doors ‘Light My Fire.’ Now that he’s singing The Doors, I’m kind of surprised no one else tried. He even does the evil line ‘we couldn’t get much higher.’ Scandalous. He does a good job, and doesn’t just muscle through it. The judges love it, although Simon preferred his rendition of ‘Bohemian Rhapsody’ better.

Now that the show’s over, did you really remember David Hernandez? Jason Yeager? Luke Menard? Garrett Haley’s voice and not his hair? Really? Be honest now, kids, and if you didn’t vote, don’t whine about the results.

Tags: Reality TV //