Family Guy: Season 7 Premiere Recap: Love Blactually

Not a bad start to the season, really. Brian’s looking for romance, and after Lois’ attempt to fix him up with someone from her yoga class fails (the girl comes to a costume party dressed as a victim of the liberal agenda), he heads to the bookstore and meets a nice atheist girl named Carolyn. Romance blossoms, and Stewie warns Brian against sleeping with Carolyn too soon, as this has been the downfall of his recent relationships. So Brian holds off, and after three weeks decides that he’s waited long enough and is ready for a 100% relationship with Carolyn. When he goes to her house to tell her, he sees a car a-rockin’ in the driveway, and discovers Carolyn and Cleveland inside.

Apparently, they met at the Starbucks, and Cleveland was unable to resist Carolyn’s subtly-desperate-for-sex conversation topics. Stewie tries to distract Brian, but everywhere they go, Cleveland and Carolyn are playing “Boom, goes the dynamite.” Stewie decides that the only way to get Cleveland off of Carolyn is to get Loretta to come back to him, so they pay her a visit and convince her that Cleveland wants her back. When Cleveland tells Brian that he and Carolyn are eloping, he sees Loretta in the driveway telling him she loves him and wants him back. His heartfelt response of “I’m no meteorologist, but I’m pretty sure it’s raining bitches” would win over any girl.

Peter doesn’t want Loretta and Cleveland back together, so he asks Quagmire to sleep with Loretta again. Doesn’t work, because Loretta’s a one-man woman now. When Cleveland visits Loretta at her hotel, it looks like things are going to work out, but he tells her he can’t be with her again because he loves Carolyn. He goes to Carolyn’s house, and sees the car in the driveway a-rockin’. It’s Carolyn and Quagmire, so the relationship’s off.

Cleveland goes to Brian for consolation, and tells him he’ll never ever forget Carolyn because he’s pretty sure she gave him a genital wart to remember her by.

Highlights:

• Joe’s Mark Spitz/Crippled Magnum P.I. costume

• RuEENd

• “Hot piss of pee on the hoos.”

• Peter guessing Cleveland’s ex’s name: “Wheezy, or Florida … Jennifer Hudson?”

• “We’re filming!”

• Cyrano the anti-Semite, “Dude, again with this?”

• Horton Hears Domestic Violence in the Next Apartment and Doesn’t Call 9-1-1

But really, Stewie in an owl suit was enough to make this awesome. And if anyone can pull off the Laura Bush look, it’s Peter.

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