Good Lord, people, if you are not following the individual Dance Moms on Twitter, you totally should. Despite their longwinded brouhahas in the Mom Room, those women can throw down in 140 characters or less. I’m not even sure when they are pretending just to get us to tune in anymore. It’s as good a show as the show, sometimes.
Speaking of which, let’s get to recapping, shall we?
Victor could not be happier with the way last week’s Access Broadway performances went. Angel could. Angel! Really? What?! Everybody won. Like, everybody should be on top of The List. One big pile of winners.
Lucas is at the top because his leeeeeerve duet with Kimmy was the among the highest scoring dances in the entire competition. That better mean Kimmy’s in second.
Kimmy is second, not tied for first with Lucas because she still has to learn to let go and get her artist on. It ain’t going to happen, boys and girls. Can we just let go of the idea of Kimmy letting go and let her be the technical little soldier that she is?
Third is Jessi â€” she did phenomenal, but for two little twerpies to beat out the older dancers is unacceptable to Angel and Victor. First and first is not beating. It’s everybody winning. Three-way tie for the top, say I. Or retire the list Â â€” Â I can make a list of reasons why. The first of which is that it will shave a good 4-5 inches off the length of these recaps.
Whoa, early Dance MomsÂ Fashion MomentÂ â€” for Susan and these earrings.
At first I thought Susan was feeling girlish and had her hair in pigtails. Then I remembered that â€” unless she’s got one of Mayra’s wigs on loan â€” Susan’s hair is not long enough for pigtails. I looked again. Clavicle-dusting feather earrings the color of her hair. I’m a fan. Of the sweater, too. Two thumbs, a bunch of feathers and a scoop neck up!
Fourth on the list is Sammy. Seems she blended into the group way too much. I’m just one big ball of confusion today. We want a bunch of dancers going rogue and flashy during a group dance? I clearly have so much left to learn.
Fifth is Hannah. Her solo â€” which won her division â€” was called “Be Happy For Me,” and still she cried. I’m sorry, but I object. Her solo won. It stood out. From other solos. Sammy blended and was solo-free and she’s one slot ahead? So much left to learn.
In keeping with the usual machinations of The List, Lucas gets a solo. Kimmy gets a solo. The rest of the girls will be doing a trio. Victor and Angel clearly have a masochistic streak. Pocahontas-cessory (who apparently learned nothing about Vic and Angel’s professional moxie from Jessi’s first-place win for last week’s “non-technical” solo) is so put out by this latest audacity that she storms out of the room. Seems Hannah is just fine to dance with Sammy, but not with Jessi. Mismatched skill levels, says she, even though they’ve all been doing seamless group dances for ages. Ones in which everyone blends, just ask Sammy.
Angel ain’t having anymore of this Hannah = Disaster crap and puts Jessi on notice straightaway: They like her a lot, but if Susan keeps acting up, there’s going to be hell to pay â€” and there ain’t no list for the mamas. So next time Susan walks out, Jessi goes with her â€” and neither is welcome back.
Angel and Victor are so confident in this match-up that they opine that it is, in fact, Hannah’s character that will take the trio to the next level. Sammy says that Hannah is nice, she really doesn’t mind working with her and she believes that the boys made a fine choice in the grouping. Good girl, Sammy. Could you tell your mother? And Jessi’s?
Since staying in the home state worked so well last week, we’ll be doing it again â€” Starbound in Fort Meyers. Ohhhhh, Victor just said “Who is the bomb dot com.” As in, “It’s our turn to show everyone who is the bomb dot com.” You are, Victor. Just for saying it. I don’t care if you didn’t even invent it. It’s the first time I’ve heard it and for that, you’s the bomb. Dot com. Backslash mega.
This week’s group number is in the open category, which means there are no rules. Since I didn’t know the rules in the first place, they could get anything by me â€” and what they’re getting by me this time is a “Twisted Circus.” Angel wants to take their style to a whole different dimension. A twisted one.
Speaking of a circus (or, perhaps, a whole different dimension), the mothers retreat to the Mom Room â€” which allows Victor to be happy again dot com â€” and Debi promptly starts howling about Hannah being at the bottom of the list. Ridiculous, says she, and I’d have to agree. But I’ve chosen to look on the bright side because I’m like that. Of all the weeks for Hannah to be on the bottom, this is probably as good as any, because spots three through five are all doing the same dance anyway. So there ya go! The rest is just technicality. And besides, Little Miss Trouble calmly reminds Deb that last week when Hannah had a solo she was the happiest of campers and, hence, she should kindly quit raining on this week’s parents-of-soloists’ parade.
Pretty sure Debi is telling Little Miss Trouble to march her parade where the sun can’t shine on it, but I am distracted by another Dance Moms Fashion Moment. Debi is wearing a black version of the heavily-hardwared leather wristband of a few weeks back. She DOES do Renaissance Faires on weekends, I know it! Or maybe some backyard falconry. Also, I’m starting to suspect that this hour may be one for the record books where Dance Moms Fashion Moments are concerned.
Speaking of which, if you were a fan of the Pitt Crew’s cold-shoulder shirts and mastodon-fur vests, let me apologize right now for my small part in their disappearance when Dance Moms returns June 5.
Actually, I’m not sorry that at least one Dance Mom is willing to avoid them. I’m just sorry if you’re sorry. Eh, no I’m not. Good on ya, Christi! Or not on ya, as the case may be. I die to see what’s new in Pittsburgh fashion.
Victor hates clowns. Also, he has seen the circus done to death at dance competitions, but since his is going to be twisted, sisters, he isn’t worried about that one bit. To accomplish this, Hannah will be a gypsy fortune teller. Because I am very knowledgeable about gypsies now thanks to TLC, I can’t help but wonder which kind â€” English or Irish or Romany or what. I hope Sondra Celli does her costume.
Sammy is going to be a contortionist â€” which inspires her to do this (and my husband to make perhaps the most interesting noise of hisÂ Dance Moms-watching career. Which is saying a lot.):
Lucas â€” who is wearing the mystery-message t-shirt that readers Tiffany and Kathy weighed in as meaning either Stars Dance (Hot to Trot) or Stars Dancer (Head to Toe) â€” will be a mime, which suits him fine because he likes to act. Like a wall. It appears he has been practicing.
Jessi will be the ringleader of this circus, which, by virtue of being Susan’s daughter, I’m sure she’s been practicing, too. And Kimmy will be the little girl who is seeing the circus for the very first time. Everyone is terribly excited by how adorable Kimmy is sure to be in this role, but Kimmy was hoping for something a little more, you know, twisted. Atta girl, Kimmy!
Jebus … you could fold Sammy up and put her in a shoebox and the child wouldn’t flinch. When I was that age, I had bones.
Since no one has come Â rushing into the hallway to comfort Susan â€” Mayra must’ve had the day off â€” she takes her crabby-face and steers it back toward the Mom Room. Do NOT mistake that for her being OK, because she’s NOT. Also, she is NOT going to sugarcoat the fact that Jessi is in a no-win situationÂ with her as a mother Â with those plebeian pirouetters as dance partners.Â She is also not going to shut up about it any time soon. Debi’s turn to leave the room, with Susie calling “Bye-sies” behind her.
With her primary enemy vanquished, Susan Â decides to make one more stab at convincing Jessi that it is a privilege to dance with her and that Hannah has not earned that privilege. Jessi, who is my hero, informs her that, once agaaaaaain, she doesn’t even know what the hell Victor and Angel have in mind yet. Hannah is her sister and her knuckle-bumpin’ bud. Game, set, match, tourney â€” Jessi. But watch your swears, dear. You’re just 14. I’m 46, so I get to.
Oh right on! We’re going to the circus, for real. Well, circus practice. Not sure what circus, exactly. Wait! Looks like Miami actually has itself a “circus arts school” right here in town! Not only that, but Lucas has huge circus potential. “He’s bendy as could be!” exclaims the circus school owner lady. He certainly is:
Jessi also shows enormous potential on the silks. That’s these:
And yes, she’s enjoying that, even though I would spot her a whole host of swears for finding herself in such a predicament.
Victor gives us what he calls circus realness on the lyra. According to Angel, “circus realness” = “a dead pear on crack.” I don’t think I heard that right. Dead parrot on crack? It would make more sense. Well, as much as it could.
Also, owwwwwwww on all accounts.Â The hubster may not even make it through this episode for all his pain noises. I hope not. The extracurricular sound effects are outstanding. Especially his impersonation of Kimmy. For a 6’1″ burly dude, he does a spot-on teeny-weeny nine-year-old girl.
Speaking of the Kimmer, Kimmy’s solo is called Flying Solo and will be all about letting go and being yourself. Ani likes her just the way she is. Me too, Ani. Me too.
The trio will be called Speak in Silence, which I’m 423 percent sure is because Victor wishes the girls’ mothers would do that beginning several years ago. Yep, that’s what it’s about, all right. Whoop! Victor pulled a crahgraphy-related funny on Hannah that actually made the surly mommies stop their crabbing and laugh out loud. Because he’s the bomb dot com!
Trying to ride this wave of levity a little further, Debi tells Susan that she’s proud of Jessi and a champion of her journey. Susan takes it gracefully and the two hug it out. Lori just pulled a funny on the readers! Susan did no such thing. She flipped her s–t the way she usually flips her s–t and loud enough that Hannah can hear them tear into each other anew. The little girl dissolves into tears. Victor takes the kids outside to Dance in Silence while Angel is dipatched to handle the ruckus, with Mayra â€” whose hairdo is a long, dark auburn, kinda-sorta ponytail that merits no further discussion â€” in tow. As Mayra looks on earnestly, Angel informs the mothers that in order to gain re-admittance to the Mom Room you have to apologize AND behave yourself. I do not like Susan’s odds.
Aaaaaand Hubby Rik is currently double high-fiving the air over the newest Dance Moms preview. I was typing about Susan and missed it. He proves astoundingly unhelpful where identifying exactly which face Abby was “yelling right smack into!” is concerned. “A Dance Mom face?” he says hopefully. To him, the world o’ Dance Moms is blissfully simple: Abby Lee … and whomever Abby Lee is yelling at. Double high-five to nobody!
Yay! Angel has props for the group dance! Not, like, “you go, little dancers!” props. Like, stuff. Kimmy gets four-de-four black balloons floating in the studio sky. Hannah gets tarot cards. Jessi gets a whip thingie to burst the Kimmer’s balloons.
And speaking of bursting balloons, Abby would like practice to end because she has an hour drive home and Sammy’s got homework. Mayra is dispatched to deliver this news to the gents. The gents do not take it well. If one prima donna driver has to leave, then everyone can leave, says Angel. The mothers don’t take it well either. Susan â€” who has plucked some white birdies for her earrings today â€” leads the beeyotch chorale, which has an encore performance the very next day.
Meanwhile, Lucas practices his solo with Ricky, one of Stars’ senior dancers. The two could be brothers. They look alike. They move alike. I have seen your future, Lucas, and it looks like Ricky. The solo is awesome, but Lucas still looks blue. Aw geez. Seems the boys at school are calling him gay because he dances. Victor tells him that at the end of the day, dance is more important than big-mouth bullies and he should ignore those losers and dance on. I say he should tell the bullies to Google the love lives of Derek Hough or Maksim Chmerkovskiy. ThenÂ I hug Victor hard with my mind.
Susan has declared herself Supreme Overlord of the Trio and says that if it looks bad, it will not be performed and too bad for you guys, Debi and Abby. Way to teach followthrough and teamwork, there, Suze. Brava. Just to keep it fresh, though, she decides that said impending disaster is no longer Hannah’s fault â€” or Â even Debi’s. It is Abby’s. Now that there’s a bandwagon Debi can jump on! And it’s Abby’s turn to storm out of the room.
Off to Fort Meyers we go for a chance to redeem ourselves at Starbound, which I don’t remember us going to yet, but apparently we did. Oh yes. We did. In California. Back when we were insecure.
Lucas will go first.Â His solo, Denial, has Victor written all over it. He’s bendy AND stretchy. The mothers are banished to the Imaginary Cheering Section of Solitude again, which continues to drive me nuts. Next season, I hope they get loosed with the general population. But the happy ending is that Lucas likes his performance so much that he feels like he’s in Candy Land.
Little Kim’s turn. Here’s what I love about you most, Dance Moms: Miami â€” we get to see everyone’s dances from start to finish. Kimmy’s is lovely and she emotes with all her might, but she’s not so sure about it once she’s done. Neither is Angel. He says she still needs to come “out of her shelf.”
Meanwhile backstage, Susan is still threatening to pull Jessi from the trio that she still has not seen. Fair enough, says Victor â€” you pull her from my trio; I pull her from the group number. Two dances minus two dances equals zero dances for Jessi. Do the math, lady. Instead, lady prattles on about all the studios that approach her at competitions, clamoring for Jessi to join their ranks. And if Victor and Angel tear Jessi apart for what happens in the trio she hasn’t seen, she will tear them apart, believe it. Angel says that he is not afraid of Susan in a way that makes me believe that Angel is not afraid of anything at all. Especially when it has to do with the studio that he owns. One that has a TV show attached to it. Â I hug Angel hard with my mind.
With one in the loss column, Susan teeters out to make a half-hearted stab at getting Jessi to abdicate the studio her ownself. You don’t need me to tell you that Jessi turns on her heel and heads in by the other dancers, telling Susan over her shoulder that she will not let her team and or her teachers down. So let’s see how it goes.
The spacing is perhaps a little iffy, but everything else seems to go swimmingly and the girls hug it out when the trio is over. In the Imaginary Cheering Section of Solitude, Victor is dressed like a big-boy version of Lucas’ mime andÂ the moms look like they want to throw up. Mostly on each other. Â Still,Â Jessi fires up another swear to explain that she thinks it went pretty damn good.
Kimmy’s solo gets fifth. She didn’t think it was fifth-place bad.
Lucas gets first and is thuh-rilled.
The trio gets a perfectly respectable second. Here’s how excited Susan is about that:
Group dance time. Anybody remember Candy Apples’ Ode to a Clown? Whoopsie. Sammy just dropped Kimmer like a bad habit. Remember when Taylor busted up her ankle during Ode to a Clown? I would like to posit that perhaps circus-themed dances are hazardous. Moving forward let’s just leave the clowns alone. You don’t like them anyway, Victor.
Despite the dancer-on-dancer fumble, the performance gets first and the A V Club boogies for joy. But backstage, Sammy sends Kimmy up the river and said that Kim was late performing her penchĂ© and apparently Sammy only had so much time to lift her. She looks terribly pleased with this explanation. Lucas comes to the rescue of his partner and pal and whispers in Ani’s ear that it simply isn’t true. Ani admires his devotion, but says nothing aloud. It happened, it’s over, Kimmy’s still alive and the dance did fine.
Never one to leave well enough alone, Little Miss Trouble decides to say aloud what her little dancer spoke in silence and suggests to the contortionist that she’s contorted the truth. Sammy goes momentarily outer limits. Holy volume, Sammy! Making it loud does not make it true. You, too, Abby. And suddenly forsaking good grammar don’t make you tough, neither.
Abby grabs Sammy and heads for the door, “No, YOUR kid’s a liar”-ing at Brigette all the way out.Â Looks like they could be gone for good, even, because they’re nowhere to be found in next week’s preview. Plus, the group dance theme is abandonment.
And without Abby to gang up on, Debi, Susan and LMT have no one to yell at but each other. Like so.
I’ll be back next week, come hell â€” which is for sure â€” or high water, and I hope that you will, too. Until then, to quote the oh-so-quotable: “Bye-sies!”
New episodes of Dance Moms: Miami air Tuesday nights at 10pm ET/PT on Lifetime.
Images and video: Lifetime