It’s my life. It’s my time. It’s my Tuesday night — after spending a merry Tuesday afternoon at my desk watching the Miami Mommies duke it out on Twitter (giving the actual show some stiff competition, I’m telling you). If you Tweet and don’t follow the mamas, you should. It’s like social-media, non-contact, professional wrestling without quite so much Spandex.
But anyway, the episode. As we prepare to do The List, Abby and Sammy are MIA. Victor says this is ridiculous and that the other mothers should call their wayward counterpart and demand her attendance straightaway. Victor has clearly not been paying attention. The mothers are perfectly happy with her gone. Angel’s on their side, too, saying he shan’t waste another moment on those who are not here. So we don’t. The List goes like this:
We’re starting at the bottom this time out, which is Sammy. Sammy is not worth Angel “wasting his saliva” over. I am totally stealing that and using it in a sentence at least once a day for the rest of my life, for there are many, many things not worth wasting my saliva over.
Hannah is fourth, because Hannah is always fourth. Debi says it might be because of her technique, but Hannah’s technique is fine. It’s because Hannah is always fourth.
Poor Lucas is third for throwing Sammy under the bus. Little Miss Trouble interjects that he was defending Kimmy, not throwing Sammy under the bus, but apparently a rat’s a rat to Angel, no matter how well-intended. Given that Lucas merely whispered his opinion in Kimmy’s mother’s ear, I’m pretty annoyed by this, but I’m not the judge in this courtroom. Still, poor little noble man.
Kimmy is second because Kimmy is always second. Nope, it’s actually because she took the blame for something she didn’t do. Where’s my notes? Where’s my notes? “It’s OK to stand up for yourself. It is not OK to throw Sammy under the bus. Mind your own beeswax is the rule at Stars.” Got that, moms? No? Good enough.
Jessi claims the top spot again for dancing so well despite her ubermama drama. In the dance room, Jessi merely beams, but in an aside, she says the next time her mama pulls the drama, she’s going to slap her. She may have to beat Angel to it.
Also, in the midst of all of this, we’ve had our first Dance Moms Fashion Moment courtesy of Debi and this fascinating piece of semi-horizontal neckwear.
This week’s competition is Starbound in San Antonio, where they must already know we are the bomb dot com, because my second favorite DMM phrase ever has not survived into this episode.
Jessi and Kimmy will be doing a duet, because they are both technical whiz kids. Jessi beams down at Kimmy. Kimmy beams up at Jessi. Susan smiles lovingly at Ani and pats her gently on the arm. Ani smiles lovingly back. So much nice!
Lucas’ first-place win earns him another solo, despite his tattletale ways … aaaaaand here comes Mayra. With Abby and Sammy in tow. Victor is all, “Oh no she didn’t.” But, oh yes. She did. And wearing the mother of all cold-shoulder shirts to boot. That, or she got stuck on something on the way in and dealt her shirt an injury.
In an aside, Abby says she and Sammy had themselves a Come to Dance Jesus moment and realized that all the hoopla is worth Sammy being exposed to Victor and Angel’s artistry. In the dance room, she tells the boys that she would like to speak with them in private. Victor turns his nose up and says maybe later he can find the time, Mrs. Late to Practice.
Back to business, Hannah gets a solo and Sammy does not. Sammy says she is cool with no solo because she loves the kids and also Angel and Victor. There ya go!
Even though Sammy and Abby didn’t abandon ship after all, the group dance theme is abandonment. Kimmy thinks that might possibly mean when people don’t have enough food in the fridge for lunch. Kimmy is officially the cutest thing on earth.
Victor decides that he will temper Sammy’s punishment by giving her a featured role in the group dance so that she understands that you can still be special when you are part of a team.
For whatever reason, Abby decides to brave the Mom Room, where Susan begins to quietly, oh so woefully, tell a very sad tale of all of the offenses for which Sammy has gotten off scot-free, while Jessi was punished unmercifully solely for the infamous yanking of episode 1. Little Miss Trouble feels like this about it, which will give me nightmares for weeks to come.
But Abby’s abuse is shortlived because down in the dance room, Sammy is in tears and Abby comes running. Sammy is crying over being on the bottom of the list because of her mom’s behavior. Abby blames the other moms. Angel says she has to thicken her skin, ignore the mean girls and commit to the studio or not.
On that note, Sammy says she is going to portray abandonment like if she was to leave Stars. Abby returns to the Mom Room, because she is a serious glutton for punishment or seriously unwilling to give up camera time. Susan thinks Miss Richmissbeautiful should be humble and apologize. Abby thinks otherwise. And it’s Susan for the first walkout of the day. No class, says Abby.
Have we always gone 10 minutes before the first commercial break? Owie fingers. Ow!!!!!
Hannah’s solo is called House of Pain. Victor wants her to dance off the pain she’s got going in her own personal home. I’m not sure if he’s talking about her own personal person, or her actual home, but I don’t have too much time to decipher because again, we are talking about the child’s weight. I am going to choose to ignore this and instead focus on the fact that — finally! — Mayra’s hair is worth discussing again because the Auburn Carol Brady On Steroids is back! Along with the lyra Victor was swinging on in the circus episode, done over as earrings.
Little Miss Trouble would like to tell Debi something about poor nutrition mother-to-mother but Debi talks right over the top of her. Mayra says Hannah was downing the burgers at the airport — half of one, no bun, on Victor’s advice, Debi corrects. And it’s Debi for walkout number two.
In an aside that offers us an even better looksie at the shag, Mayra opines that Debi deliberately pushes food on her little kid when she’s working so hard. Maybe Debi is pushing food on her kid because working so hard makes you hungry. That’s how we do it at my house.
Outside, Angel listens to Debi cry, but privately he opines that behind every overweight kid is a mother buying the groceries. This whole thing is driving me desperately mental. Debi says Hannah has every right to eat pizza, Mayra is no longer allowed to weigh her, and if she does, they will leave the studio. Can we stop talking about this now? The kid is going to hit a growth spurt any minute, grow into her weight and make you all look like morons for denying her a slice.
This seems like a good time for a shout-out to my Twitter pals at dancemom fans probs for their super-excellent profile photo, bearing the perfect advice for moments like this:
The sentiment should probably be the other way around to be truly useful, but still. I love it beyond reason.
Back inside, Angel has decided to forsake all this drama and focus on the seniors because he loves them beyond reason, as well. The “seniors” include the little tiny blond critter who was freaking out about the fire a few weeks back. A quick field trip back to Twitter informs me that this is the much-heralded Mia Diaz, who is apparently a eensy-weensy great big deal.
In the Mom Room, Angel’s abdication has set even Ani aflame. Debi suggests that the coaches have secretly ganged up on them and turned them against each other, sneaky little buggers what they are. Everyone else buys into this theory and they collectively decide on a little reverse psychology in the form of a group hands-in-the middle hooopty and a chorus of “If You’re Happy and You Know It.”
Hoooo-weeeeee! Victor is not happy and the mothers are about to know it. Clap your hands. He feels like they are mocking him and the dancers and he is not having it. Everyone gets dismissed. The mothers hastily say they will take their shenanigans elsewhere, but it’s too late. Victor does a patented Victor exit and Lucas looks like he’s gong to cry.
Little Lucas is a wise one. He tells Little Miss Trouble that they are there to dance and the mothers are there to be their mothers — not a raging pack of divas. “First you’re laughing, then you’re screaming, then you’re fighting, then you’re crying — and we can’t focus while you’re doing that,” he calmly tells his mother. There is all the episode recap you need right there. You’re hired, Lucas. I’m going out for a burger with no bun.
Brigette tries to defend herself and say she was just unhappy about him being third on the list, but Lucas says he doesn’t care if he is on the bottom of the list every single day. He knows he’s a good dancer and the list will never change his life. I hug Lucas hard with my mind. Brigette hugs him with her arms.
Jessi and Kimmy’s contemporary duet will be about them being sisters. Angel says that they don’t need to do the arm thing so high because they are not doing the Macarena. The girls dance blithely on because their coach has just made a cultural reference to a dance fad that came and went before they were born. But if you feel like doing it, here’s how. I feel like doing it. Sixty second dance break! AAAAAAAiiiiiiight!
The duet contains a lot of really jaw-dropping lifts, given that the lifter is a 14-year-old girl. Still Kimmy trusts her. Well, mostly. “Lucas has dropped me. Sammy has dropped me. Anybody else going to drop me?” Kimmer wonders cheerfully in an aside. Lerve!!
Lucas’ solo will be about telling the truth, which is apparently OK now. Also, Victor wants a side order of BAM! with his truth.
Mayra (now sporting a bob and purple stretch pants) subs in for Angel to teach ballet, which brings back fleeting bad memories of Abby Lee teaching ballet, except that apparently Mayra was once quite the ballerina and I don’t think Abby was. Still, the mothers are appalled. The kids are giggly. If she pulls a triple and an arabesque, Little Miss Trouble could respect it, though.
The mothers’ fussing is interrupted by Angel who has a huge announcement to make. He is going to a competition in Miami with the seniors and Victor will shepherd the, er, juniors? Debi finds it ironic that Angel is abandoning the dancers on the week of the Dance of Abandonment.
In the land of the giant fiberglass cowboy boot, the mothers continue their warbling about Angel’s absence. Victor says they need to respect that he is fierce, even all by himself. Fierce, and being seriously upstaged by his mother right now.
Lucas’ weapons are his extensions. He just needs to make the audience believe him. And once the audience believes him he will win. Also he has to go to the bathroom, so that’s not good. But Lucas is a trooper and he will dance through the issue.
Hey, there’s people in the audience with the Dance Moms! We have progress! Everyone got the “wear shades of pink and salmon” memo, so that’s nice too.
I don’t care what anybody says — Hannah dances like nobody’s business and there is not a jiggly inch of flesh on that kid. She looks stunning, she dances powerfully … and she gets second for her efforts. Debi tears up with pride.
Lucas gets first place junior solo and earns the highest score of the day. Apparently full-bladder dancing works well for our boy. He and Hannah hug out their successes.
Back in the get-ready, Mayra nicely gives Hannah her propers, then throws the mothers under the bus and tells Victor that they were laughing at her when she was teaching ballet class. Debi knows some trouble when she sees it and mea culpas. Ani, too. No one else.
“Piss you off, say I’m sorry. Piss you off, say I’m sorry. Piss you off, say I’m sorry. That’s all this show is!” comes a voice from the sofa, suddenly forsaking the comic book he’s been reading on his iPad. And here I thought he wasn’t paying attention. “I just want Abby back!” he moans. “She doesn’t apologize.” Poor Hubby Rik! June 5 is coming soon!
While preparing for the duet backstage, Jessi practices a leap and pings her back a good one — and Kimmy pretty much accepts that yet another member of her team is going to drop her on her arse. But wait! Jessi rises above the pain and Kimmy rises safely into the sky. The duet gives me goosebumps.
The group dance proves much quieter and more subtle than previous dances and gives me goosebumps, too. A little mist, even. The twirling Sammy is a standout and Abby is moved to tears, saying this is the first time she feels part of the Stars team. If you’re happy and you know it … show up for practice, won’t you?
Jessi and Kimmy’s duet gets first.
Group gets first, too, and a prancing Sammy gets to snag the trophy.
Stars oooooowned San Antonio so much that Victor thinks they should get it tattooed right on them. That’s a pretty big tattoo. Instead, let’s end on a high note with a not-so-permanent Fashion Moment: Victor got his nails did for the occasion!
Next on Dance Moms: Miami: It’s finally Mia Diaz … and her Brigette-baiting mother! Also, everyone loses their minds like so:
The season finale of Dance Moms: Miami airs Tuesday, May 29 at 10/9CT on Lifetime.
Photos and video: © 2012 Lifetime Entertainment Services, LLC.