Anybody else think this season flew by? I think this season flew by. Yes, that means that we can get back to business with Abby Lee and her disobedient minions, but still. Finales are always sad. Well, usually.
Speaking of always sad — it’s time for The List. Victor’s still tickled about how well we all did in San Antonio, but still … this week we have to own it. Er, own what? Doesn’t matter — since Angel wasn’t there to see the ownership of San Antonio with his own eyes, he doesn’t believe it anyway, so whatever it is, it ultimately isn’t. Or something like that.
The Reader’s Digest version: Everybody’s starting all over with Angel. They’re all the bottom of The List.
Going by Victor’s standards, Lucas is numero uno because for two weeks in a row he’s been top of the tops AND gotten special awards. Ohhhh, Lucas just called himself “hell on wheels” in his aside and the Potty Mouth Patrol sitting next to me is indignant. So for Hubby Rik’s sake: Lucas! Swears are Jessi’s wheelhouse!
Turns out Lucas was only 3 points away from perfect, but Victor doesn’t believe in perfect anyway. He says Lucas can be even more perfect than perfect.
Holy hell on wheels — Hannah’s in second. No, not Kimmy. Hannah. Fourth Hannah. She got second because her solo came in second, so yay for symmetry. Except now that she’s shown the world that she’s a top-three dancer, there’s no more excuses. Even though Hannah never made excuses in the first place. Victor says she’s a good dancer now. Lori says she’s always been a good dancer.
Whatever. Sigh. Who’s in third?
That would be Sammy — Victor couldn’t take his eyes off her in the group dance and at last she has become part of the team, just in time for the finale.
Fourth is Kimmy for being like a deer in the headlights in her duet with Jessi. And yet, she didn’t screw up the worst.
That would be Jessi, who falls from first place to fifth for putting her hand down in the doomed duet that still got first. She’s smart enough and old enough to make putting your hand down look on purpose. Of course we get an aside from Susan, who also provides the first Dance Moms Miami Fashion Moment of the night, for this slugs-on-a-wire necklace.
Jessi understands that she is, indeed, smart enough and old enough to make the boo-boo look on purpose, but Susan just brushes this correction off like so much dandruff.
For this week’s assignments, it’s back to a duet for Lucas and Kimmer. Hannah and Sammy get solos. Jessi the Unfortunate Sweetie is relegated to the naught-but-the-group-dance benchwarmer.
Finally we find out what it is that we have to own, which is iHollywood … in the Hollywood suburb of Tulsa, Oklahoma. Abby is pretty sure the children don’t even know that there is such a thing as an Oklahoma, but Angel is excited. He’s never been there, never will go back again, but he’s up the one-off experience.
Also, what is this here that Victor is wearing?
A bow tie? A necklace? A bowtecklace?
Anyway, since we’re going to Hollywood by way of Oklahoma, this week’s theme is celebrity. Victor says it’s because last week they swept the competition and now they are stars. Sammy, Hannah and Jessi strike a pose like there is nothing to it.
The group dance about celebrity will be jazz funk and Victor says all they have to do is make like him, because he is a celebrity. “Not with THAT hair,” says his mini-me Lucas, who is on fire with the one-liners tonight.
Speaking of real celebrities, Angel says he has a surprise for the dancers and they all dutifully turn and face the door. I am super-hoping the mystery guest is at least as good as one of Abby Lee’s, like Liz Lieberman, the former topless showgirl, or Laquifa the Death-Drop-defying drag queen. But it’s actually Miiiiiiiaaaaaa, the little bitty great big deal that I told you about last week. Squeeeeeeee! Everybody rushes to embrace the Stars superstar, including Sammy, even though she looks like she has no idea what for.
Angel says Mia dances like an 18-year-old even though she’s only 10, and everyone should be afraid now because they can be replaced. I’m not quite sure why Mia, who is dancing with the elite troupe, is suddenly slumming it down here with the regular troupe, but I am betting it has something to do with camera time and a little green monster called “Jealous.” But I’m speculating.
This development is giving Little Miss Trouble some trouble. See, Lucas loves him some Mia, but Brigette clearly thinks that Mama Mia is a pox.
In any case, Mia looks like a miniature Miss America contestant and she has been dancing since she was two. She has won trophies. She has been in magazines. Even Susan has to admit that she is quite the performer. Abby wants to know how long the beaming little interloper’s going to be around.
Mia’s big-haired, blonde mother Leo looks a little like Charo’s baby sister. She says she does whatever it takes for her daughter to be a dance star. At the moment, that entails being dispatched to the Mom Room, where the other mothers are grinning like piranha.
Abby says she’s known Mia and Leo even from back in the days at Sammy’s old studio and hence, she hopes the other mothers welcome her the way they welcomed Abby, so she can enjoy the fireworks instead of having them blow up in her face like usual.
Back in the dance room, Victor says Mia’s purpose is two-fold. For one, she lends some celebrity to the celebrity dance. And for two, that will motivate his other dancers. I’m pretty sure that the former is going to make the latter not so likely. But whatever. Vic’s the expert.
Oh oh. Kimmy is having trouble being fierce, and Ani is starting to see the writing on the wall. Which is that there is a new little technical whiz kid in town, rendering hers dispensable. She tears up and takes the first walk-out.
Apparently taking coiffure clues from Leo, Mayra is wearing a nice big curly do. She tells Ani that Kimmy is amazing in her own right and not to lose the faith. Atta girl, Mayra! Woohoo!
And with that, the good will has reached its conclusion, which is exacerbated by the fact that Leo opts to clear up any confusion about how long she and Mia are in everyone’s business. Which is as long as Angel and Vic will have them. The other mothers stare blankly out into the Dance Room and — la la la la la! — pretend that if they do not look at Leo, she does not exist. La la la la la!
You may as well look, ladies. She’s still there.
Ohhhh, look at Lucas’ adorablay little brothers Logan and Lex. Dad’s not bad, either. Not the least bit cooperative, as it turns out. But certainly not bad to look at. When Brigette requests that they come watch their brother dance, dad offers the little dudes the option of going to a football game instead. Anyone care to guess which option they take? Brigette says she has friends who have gotten divorced over dance, and she’s hoping that won’t happen to her. Oh please don’t let this be foreshadowing. Please.
This week, Sammy will be competing in the teen age division, even though she’s only 12. Her solo is called Twisted and it is an offshoot of the group dance in which she shone last week. The girl was born to do ballet-style dance. She makes gazelles looks clumsy.
During group dance time, the other dancers are not living up to Mia’s standard, so Victor and Angel suddenly decide that Mia will do a solo so that she doesn’t have to suffer the embarrassment of performing along side the inferior dancers that they have been training for years who just swept a large competition last week. Uh. Oh, you know what I’m thinking.
You also know what the other mothers are thinking. Debi leads Abby in a revolt. Since they’re the only two with solos at stake, it remains a revolt of two. Leo couldn’t give two craps on a credenza if they don’t like Mia getting a solo — or if Mia replaces their kids. This is not going to end well. I mean, I know from the previews that this is not going to end well, but now I know why.
Apparently since we have a celebrity at our disposal, we’re going to add her to everything we do, because now she has impinged on Kimmy’s and Lucas’ duet and turned it into a trio. I gotta tell ya … I’m not knocking the tot, but I’m not seeing Mia dance with any more technicality or pizzazz than the other ones. I suppose for all the hubbub about the kid, I sort of expect her to sprout a unicorn horn and fly, but still. I will have to see her solo to school my ignorant self.
Hannah’s solo is called Walking and Angel got the inspiration from Hannah herself. He wants her to keep walking through life and not look back. It’s filled with Hannah-esque back arches and arm thrusts and Angel is pleased with it. I want Hannah to have a nap … she looks weary.
Debi gives Hannah the ol’ “Mia is going to replace someone, so batten down the hatches” speech, but Hannah just looks zen and says she’s fine with Mia taking the solo spot because it’s only for a week. Debi is proud … but she ain’t backing down, oh no she isn’t. Still, the weary Hannah gives her a sweaty hug.
Back in the Mom Room, Brigette is struggling to keep her composure, which we find out in an aside is because she and Mr. Uncooperative are indeed getting a divorce and her kids don’t even know it. Yes. Best to tell a national television audience first. <squirm>
Still, she and Ani have a heartrending conversation that I suspect is one of the most honest, genuinely dance mom moments I have seen in a year of watching the franchise. I feel for her.
And then we’re in Tulsa, where you better believe that Angel gets a Dance Moms Miami Fashion holla for this badass cowboy hat, which he is wearing with a cape and purple skinnies.
The group dance goes first. Looks good to me, but turns out Jessi actually fell out of her turns and Victor does not know what the hell is going on. How about you’ve spent the past week completely demoralizing and psyching out the rest of your dancers by overtly favoring one who wasn’t even on their team until a couple days back? Just a thought, pal.
Whatever the trio music is, it’s some kind of awesome. The dance is good too. Kimmy is the good girl, Mia is the bad girl and Lucas is the bare-chested stud caught in the middle. Whoop. Looks like he chooses Mia. Of course he does.
The trio takes first. Of course, it does.
What’s this? The group gets third, despite having Miss Competitor-Kryptonite in the dance? Leo is embarrassed for her. And to make matters worse, someone might lose their solo because Vic and Angel didn’t register Mia’s dance.
Nope. Everyone can dance. But the damage has been done. The adults begin to boil.
In the midst of all of this drama, Sammy has low expectations for herself and her solo. Jeebus. The backdrop is so busy, you can hardly see her dance for all the gigantic film reels and stills behind her. Nonetheless, when she does pop into view every now and then, it looks lovely.
Hannah’s next and she’s not feeling confident because she thinks the dance is all artistry and no technique. Her music is awesome, too. So is her dance. She is beautiful.
Mia is next and she feels super-supported by everyone on the team. Abby Lee would say she dances with her face, all coquettish lip puckers and pageant-girl grins. And she is indeed a dynamic little dancer. Victor and Angel leap to their feet. Victor says it was a great way to be all “in your face,” because he is sure everyone wanted her to fall. Well, no, Victor. Everyone just wanted their kids to rise, too. And have the same amount of attention and support. And the kids will continue to love her because they’re kids, no matter how hard you tried to foster jealousy in the guise of motivation.
Hubby Rik says I am over-thinking this. It’s just TV. They have to do and say something interesting. I say, “in your face.” What? Victor started it!
Turns out Hannah is right. Despite her awesome performance, she gets sixth.
Mia gets first, because this wouldn’t have been a very good episode if she hadn’t.
In the teen division, Sammy gets second.
Backstage, Leo is gloating, egged on by Mayra, and the pushed-to-the-brink Brigette calls her a celebrity in her own little mind. Instead of being offended, Leo loves it because she is not going “anywheres.” Except on her arse, if Leo sticks her hand in Brigette’s face one more time. Before Brigette can snap the offending appendage off at the dainty little wrist, Angel half-tackles her and Victor throws Brigette out of the room. Possibly out of Oklahoma.
Ani opines that Leo knows what Brigette is going through and she shouldn’t have antagonized her, but still. Hands off in anger.
Outside the venue, Brigette tells Lucas they are leaving Stars and he cries for his dance family.
Mt. Ve-Susan-vus does not blame Leo or Brigette — she blames the coaches for creating such an antagonistic environment and KA-BOOM! She blows! Victor takes it well:
Yeah, no he doesn’t. He’s a celebrity who just coached a superstar to victory and if anyone doesn’t like it, they can just get the hell out. Actually he demands that Susan get the hell out. Andif anybody else is next with the lip, they can get the hell out, too.
So now, the big questions, boys and girls: Will we see a Season 2? Will Brigette and Lucas and Susan and Jessi be back if we do?
And most importantly … who’s ready for the return of Dance Moms, next Tuesday at 9/8pm CT on Lifetime? Oh, my Ohio sign, how I’ve missed you so! And this stuff, too:
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