Following in the grand tradition of such cinematic touchstones as Elektra and X-Men Origins: Wolverine … OK, so that intro doesn’t necessarily work. But we’ve all heard by now that in addition to the new Star Wars trilogy, we’re going to be getting some Star Wars spinoff movies featuring individual characters. A young Han Solo, some Boba Fett, possibly a Yoda — yeah, I can get behind those. Just as long as nobody announces Jar Jar Strikes Back.
Actually, I’m not too wild about this idea (see previous snarky reference to Elektra and Wolverine), but I’ll just go ahead and mix my geek references here and say that resistance is futile, so why fight it? Instead, I’ll offer up some helpful suggestions — and not just the obvious choices like Darth Maul, Lando Calrissian, Chewbacca — to help Emperor J.J. Abrams on his quest for galactic domination.
(NOTE: Backstories for some if not all of these characters already exist in the books, comics and video games of the Star Wars Expanded Universe, but since this new trilogy is planning to crap over all that stuff anyway, let’s just start from scratch.)
Perhaps Jek Porkins started out as a young, strapping pilot eager to take on the whole Empire himself, before the vagabond life of a rebel pilot led him to start eating poorly and neglect exercise. Or maybe he’s always just been a bit big for his build, yet he overcame all that and still managed to ace the pilot’s test and earn his way into the top tier of space navigators. We’ll just never know, will we? That’s why the Cover Me, Porkins movie needs to happen.
Was he always Smithers to Jabba’s Mr. Burns? Something tells me there’s more to this tentacled lackey than was revealed in Return of the Jedi. Perhaps he’s skimming a little off the top whenever smugglers make their payments, or taking a percentage of the bounty hunters’ tribute. Better yet, he could be running his own underground syndicate and planning to take Jabba down. I’m guessing ole Bib probably knew his way around a few hives of scum and villainy.
We all know Han shot first — even George Lucas, who obviously has been messing with us since the first Special Edition in 1997 — but here’s a chance to build the case. Put Greedo in several life-or-death situations where he is late on the trigger, yet still manages to snivel his way back to Jabba for a big payment. Given their interaction in Episode IV, it’s apparent that he and Han Solo have had run-ins before, so why not show that bit of interaction? Or maybe Greedo has some horrific incident in his past where he fired too quickly and killed a puppy or something, leading to his fatal hesitation.
The Rancor Keeper
Elsewhere in Jabba’s Palace, there’s the sad tale of Malikili. While we cheered and pumped our fists as Luke Skywalker triumphed over the hideous Rancor, this poor fat bastard was living through his own personal Old Yeller. Dude lost it, and his blubbering display of tears and whining made us all feel like rebel scum, if only for a minute.
I want to know if this young man figured out that he doesn’t really need to peddle Death Sticks, and whether his fateful encounter with Obi-Wan in Attack of the Clones truly did cause him to rethink his life.
Photos: Courtesty of Lucasfilm/Twentieth Century Fox