Ladies and gentlemen, I give you Dance Moms — now with 80 percent more filler.
This time around, we have Abby giving her two cents about stuff that has happened thus far in Season 3. Stuff we have already covered in the Chatter debacles a couple of weeks back, but with no one to sass back.
Also, she resurrected the Flotsam Necklace for the occasion, so that’s nice.
We start out by discussing how Christi has been jealous of Maddie since Maddie sprung from the womb, and segue into rehashing the “two girls, one solo” deal. Maddie does add way more passion to the dance, but she did bobble the last turn. Chloe executed perfectly. Even Abby says so, calling her stunning. Then Abby launches into trying to ’splain herself for the scoring mishap and we get some backstage footage that makes her look like an even bigger ass than she did in the first place after she snarks “nice try, guys” at the judges. Ohhhh, this so isn’t helping, Abby. It isn’t. Especially when we are forced to again watch the aside in which Chloe gets teary while congratulating Maddie on her win. And Abby lying through her teeth to the Pitt Crew about how the competition came to the realization that there was an error.
When we come back from commercial, Abby scolds us something fierce for not realizing that she was so, so proud of both Maddie and Chloe for dancing well enough that the results could have gone either way. She says their victories should go back and forth — one week Maddie, one week Chloe — which would be fine if both girls were afforded choreography that would foster the possibility. But we are less than a week out from an episode in which we watched her again admit that she had designed the girls’ solos so that Maddie would be a runaway, er, tapaway, winner.
If she really wants us to believe that she has both girls’ best interests at heart, she would drop the punishing-Christie crap and go back to giving Chloe the attention and routines that will make her a true competitor for Maddie, which we all know she is. And which she demonstrates in spades when we next watch Maddie and Chloe do their sole duet thus far this season.
Since we get to see the entire dance, I decide to watch it three times — once focusing on the dance as a whole, once focusing on Maddie and once on Chloe. The girls are perfectly matched, perfectly in sync — and clearly equally talented. And this is the perfect means of demonstrating it — putting them side-by-side on the same stage, where there is no room for interpretation of who performed a solo better.
There is no question that Maddie has an absolutely stunning, unusually expressive face that draws you in to every dance she does and makes you look forward to the next. But Chloe is the quintessential lyrical dancer, all long, beautiful lines and cool, serene beauty. They are equal assets to the Abby Lee Dance Company. Only one is treated that way. And regardless of Abby’s feelings toward their mothers, both families pay tuition to have their daughters get the best training that is possible at the ALDC. And that should happen.
<Steps off soapbox>
Next we relive the Mackenzie/Old West, lip-synching Asia/Too Hot To Handle competition, which again demonstrates the difference in the dances two ALDC kids are afforded — but Abby has nothing more to say about that.
We move on to Abby explaining that Melissa is great at paying her bills and getting her kids to class on time, but terrible at forsaking all other friendships but Abby’s. Let’s spend a good five minutes rehashing last week’s rehashing of Melissa’s lies and infidelity, shall we? Or run potty and get another drink. Or turn off the sound and make up our own dialogue.
Kelly: “Oh! I got some acid reflux going on here …”
Melissa: “What did you two eat?!”
Melissa: “You and you are icky!”
Abby: “I missed out on ham?!”
There. Much better.
When we come back from commercial, we relive the F-bomb-laden midsection of the long-running Christi-Kelly war and the nose-poking confrontation between Jill and the newly Holly-fied Black Patsy. Patsy explains that the laying on of hands was justified because she’s a Sister and you don’t walk up on a Sister like that and not expect some physical backlash. Do with that what you will. Abby says she was so glad she was in Hollywood and not around to witness the unladylike behavior.
Then we talk about Abby’s arranged dessert date between “Brooding Brooke” and studly Kevin, complete with the cake-in-the-face denouement that assured a second date wasn’t ever gonna happen. Abby explains that she broke her no-boys rule because Brooke’s and Kevin’s onstage romance had to be believable, and even though lerrrrve did not blossom, the happy ending is they are friends, they dance well together and they trust each other.
As long as there’s no cake around, I’m guessing.
Then we get to see the Senior group dance, which, like Maddie’s and Chloe’s duet, is a lovely break from the bitchin’.
Time to rip on Cathy and the Imposter Apples and their kooky Malik So Chic club kids routine. Abby says at least the gang got it right with the “I Don’t Dance” part of the tune. They got second, Abby. It wasn’t THAT bad.
Then Abby goes after her most inoffensive target yet — wee little Jalen. She offers a litany of his flaws and says he is naught but a head-spinner, and also one with small-man complex. His dad, too. Uh, Ab? Jalen’s a small kid, not a small man. And that particular insult is tasteless either way. And the part where you pick on Jalen for lip-synching? One word — Asia. The technical issues are valid, to be sure, but none of this is Jalen’s fault. Pick on someone your own size.
Then we relive Rick spy-teching when Gino’s dad, Mickey, comes to beg Abby for a spot for his boy on her team. Remind me to crib this look from Holly. The outfit, not the scowl. I got plenty of those of my own.
We spend the last five minutes rehashing what shook out in last week’s episode. Oh great. Now Abby’s stealing my shtick. Abby spends a couple of minutes explaining that she’s not Team Maddie, she’s Team Abby Lee Dance Company. Then she blows that all to hell by coming right out and saying that the only way to get the proper amount of attention and devotion from her, the teacher they all pay equally, is to talk to their children about her with love and admiration. Never mind that she gives them not one single thing to love or admire.
Then — and mind you, this is not 15 minutes past when we watched Abby lie to the mothers’ faces about how the judges found out about the incorrect score sheets — Abby goes off on how Christi is the biggest conniver in the bunch.
Then we all get hollered at again. Because NOBODY! FEELS AS BAD! FOR POOR CHLOE! AS THIS GIRL RIGHT HERE DOES!
Ennnnghhh! We’re still watching your @#$% show, Abby! Stop yelling!
After that, we’re treated to some backstage footage at last week’s competition that we didn’t see in the episode and that came before Kelly’s “all your kissing ass” comment which reveals that, well, mostly that we really don’t see a lot of necessarily relevant stuff where all these blowouts are concerned. Both Melissa and Christi did say each other’s girls would be upset about their solo styles — and both blew the issue way out of proportion when those girls returned to the green room. And that’s about that.
Then we see what’s coming up in the rest of the season, which looks like some lovely dances we probably won’t see much of; the reintroduction of Cathy’s mother and the fact that Vivi likes food; the return of Leslie, Payton and Black Patsy … and this.
Sleep tight tonight, people.
An all-new episode of Dance Moms airs tomorrow night at 9/8CT on Lifetime.