And still no screener, Dance Moms nation. Sigh. Can Abby and Kelly please kiss and make up so all is right in the Dance Moms universe and I can have my screeners back? Because a recap without screen captures is … well, a recap without screen captures. And we’re about to suffer another one.
We start out with Abby telling Gia all about her new import Fallon Chapman and Fallon’s mother Cheryl. They’re from somewhere near Orlando Fla. Fallon is 11. She’s won 4 titles.
When you type in Fallon+Dance Moms, you get this. Jimmy Fallon kind of looks like Mama Fallon, so win and win.
When everyone is assembled, Abby reminds them that she is casting an entire new team of dancers. Could be all new dancers. Could be some new, some old. Only time will tell. Lots and lots of time. Lots and lots and lots of time. We’ve been talking about it since January and so far we’re on zero dancers for the new team, so I’m thinking this thing should come together long about 2035.
Speaking of new old dancers, Abby tells the group that Kalani is not there because her mother has a sassy mouth and doesn’t get the Abby Lee rules. Actually, Kalani was doing a NUVO competition, but we’ll go with the sassy mouth thing, because Abby says so and it’s her show.
Then we celebrate last week’s ninth straight group dance win with a little poem: “Nine is fine, but then again, there’s ten.” It’s a really little poem, but it gets the job done. Ten wins would be a first for the ALDC, and Abby wants that bad. Wheeee!
Pyramid goes like this.
Kendall is bottom of the bottom for getting ninth last week.
Then Chloe. Her limited selection of moves in last week’s improv competition were a disappointment, even though she tied for second.
Next is Nia. She was first from the ALDC to get booted from the improv competition. Wait. Chloe is second to last for coming in second, and Nia beats her for being first out? Good enough.
Row 2 stars with Mackenzie. She was facial-expression machine in the group dance. Then comes Fallon for being so durn memorable at her audition. Holly calls shenanigans. Cheryl kisses ass.
Maddie is top of the top. Abby says it was one of her best performances ever.
This week, we’re headed to another in10sity Dance deal, this time in Toledo, Ohio. Ohio means Candy Apples. Apples are red. Cathy is envious. Math math math math math. Hey, you guys! Let’s call the group dance Red with Envy!
Everyone will be Red with Envy, except maybe Mac. Abby’s just not sure. (Mac’s doing another competition in Pittsburgh, but just go with it.)
Since she came all this way, Fallon will be doing a solo.
Kendall is doing one, too. It’s called Just Rain … or maybe Just Bring It. In any case, it’s intended to redeem her ninth place finish. If she blows it again, she’s out on her ear. Everyone who wonders if Kendall might blow her dance on purpose, raise your hand.
To deflect from this line of conversation, Jill asks Abby how Maryen Lorrain is doing. Abby says that’s just kissing ass. Jill is undeterred. “Well, what if the kids come dance for her?” she says. Could cheer up the other folks, says Abby. Maybe Maryen will come down. Maybe not. But how she does love the children.
Up in the Mom Loft, the Pitt Crew wastes no time in hazing Cheryl. Melissa wants to know how old she is. Mid-40s, Cheryl says. Christi wants to know if she has fake boobs. That would be no. And that does it for the inquisition.
Then we’re off to Ohio, where we learn that Blake McGrath is gone and someone named Erin has taken his place. She’s brilliant and also from LA, says Cathy. The Apples’ group dance is called the Last Dance and it’s about abandonment and loss. Could be this group’s last dance if they don’t beat the Pitt Crew, a humorless Cathy warns. She’s flanked by a new, short-haired mom I don’t recognize, so I imagine there’s a kid I won’t recognize, too.
Then we take a field trip to the Sterling House assisted living center, where Maryen is in hospice. She’s still perfectly coiffed and sharp as a tack. She’s also accompanied by Stuffed Baby, which is just a 100 shades of morbid if you ask me. Everyone who thinks Abby regrets stuffing Baby, raise your hand.
There’s a live dog here, too — the puppy Abby gave Mac during the Christmas special. Live dog is unfazed by dead dog. Maryen is unfazed by live dog.
“You all know who I am, right?” says Abby to the assembled crowd of residents and caregivers. Yes, Abby. I am virtually certain Dance Moms is huge with the nursing home crowd. Having ascertained that they know she is Abby Lee, she tells them to hush up.
The girls dance one at a time. Nia whips out her patented death drop. Chloe grabs the hands of a resident and gently helps her dance. Aw!
Fallon’s solo is called Voices in My Head. With that in mind, it has lots of different emotional changes that Abby hopes Fallon can handle. Jill joins Cheryl in the studio, since their kids are working on their solos, and up in the Mom Loft, Melissa, Holly and Christi decide that Cheryl is fibbing about her age. By at least ten years, Christi thinks. Melissa says, well maybe not ten and offers Jill for comparison. Christi notes that Jill might not be the most reliable gauge because, well, she likes to keep herself fresh, if you know what she’s sayin’. Here’s a memory.
Back to Ohio we go, where little Gavin’s havin’ a solo. It’s called Better When You’re There. The kid is as quick as a bunny when it comes to picking up choreography, says Cathy, and Cathy is happy as clam when it comes to that fact. She air kisses Gavin and fwaps him on the butt when he’s done.
Also, it looks like Yvette and Hadley Walts are gone from the team, too. And who’s the super tall guy in the back? Holy cow. Zack shot up! Also, Cathy is crabby this episode. I don’t think she’s really feeling her part in the Dance Moms zeitgeist any longer. To the end of the Season, Cathy. We can do it. We’ll hold hands across cyberspace and suck it up together.
Back at the ALDC, Abby reminds the soloists of what’s at stake. Fallon’s chance to be a part of the new team. Kendall’s chance to stay on the old one. Abby also has no problem being the loudest voice in Fallon’s head, bellowing something about no guts and no butts, because Abby has a big enough one of each for everyone in the studio. Her words. Not mine. I would think we’d WANT big guts and no buts, but perhaps I’m overthinking this. Perhaps any thinking is overthinking this.
Pleased to see the new kid taking a verbal beating, Melissa informs us that this kid ain’t the one to beat their girls. When a frustrated Abby goes to take phone call, Holly takes Cheryl to school about the ways of Abby. And just like that, Abby appears in the Mom Loft to tell Cheryl that Kalani is a better dancer and more gorgeous than Fallon. Aren’t you glad you flew all the way up here from somewhere around Orlando for this, Cheryl? Your souvenirs: Yelling, insults and speculation about your age and your boobs.
Cheryl protests that Fallon is doing the best she can with what she’s being given. Oh honey. Oh Cheryl. Did we not watch this show before we made ourselves and our kid a part of it? Cheryl starts crying and tells Abby she’s insulting her child. Abby says no she is not. She’s insulting Cheryl. It’s different.
Sleepytime on the bus to Toledo. When everybody’s wakey-wakey-eggs-and-bakey — because Abby is bellowing for that to happen — Abby discovers that Cheryl didn’t take it upon herself to bring Fallon’s solo costume. Abby gives Cheryl an F in Dance Mom. The other mothers are tickled. Unlike Kira and Kalani, this one’s an easy out.
Cheryl’s woes only intensify in the get-ready room, where Holly and Melissa take her to task for coming empty-handed to the competition. No makeup. No hair stuff. Abby says it’s like they’re dealing with a little dancing orphan. She wants to know how, if Fallon’s been dancing since she was 3, Cheryl is so inept at the responsibilities of being a dance mom. Cheryl retorts that Fallon’s only been dancing since she was 8. That’s where the 3 comes from. Age 11 – age 8 = she’s been dancing for three years. Not since age 3. Get your facts and your dance math straight, sister.
Gavin’s solo goes first. Because I am typing and watching all at the same time, I just heard Cathy say that Gavin needs to go out and suck the toe of the competition. I honestly hope that is not what she said. But just a little part of me hopes that it is.
Vivi!!! Vivi is in the audience. Hi Vivi. I hope we get to see you go for snacks sometime soon!
The stage at this competition is super narrow. And the auditorium looks super empty. Gavin’s solo is super awesome. More Gavin!
Kendall is next. She is lovely in turquoise and the lyrical dance suits her beautifully. Her legs and lines are every bit as elegant and graceful as Chloe’s and Maddie’s and this choreography shows them off far better than the jazz stuff she usually gets. Guess what position she is in at the end of the dance? Excuse me while I Google “is it a flipping rule that every lyrical dance end up with the dancer on the floor?” And come up empty.
Fallon’s up. We already know she is going to screw up from the previews and sure enough she does, getting about halfway through the goofy dance before just leaping and twirling haphazardly to fill the rest of the time.
Cheryl begins squawking “She forgot it! She forgot it! She forgot it!” like the Dance Moms equivalent of a poorly-trained parrot. Well if the judges didn’t realize that on their own, they sure do now, lady. Abby seals the deal and goes over to them to insist that they disqualify Fallon for forgetting her dance. The judges say they can’t do that. Pretty sure Abby knew that. But sucking it up in the audience isn’t nearly as theatrical.
Getting another beer. It’s a two-beer night. One for the Pitt Crew. And one for the voices in my head.
Cheryl heads backstage to do a little preemptive Fallon buffering before Abby and the rest of the crew can get at her. Cathy shows up in the ALDC get-ready to congratulate Fallon for not giving up. She says she would never go to the judges and point out that her own entrant blew it. There’s some smack talk that involves bubble heads and bubble butts, and poor Fallon looks like she can’t process what she’s landed in the middle of.
Abby doesn’t share Cathy’s assessment of Fallon’s bravery. Abby tells the welling girl not to cry because she’s making her feel bad for yelling at her.
In the Apples get-ready, Cathy ships the kids out to go practice on their own, so she can talk to the moms. She tells them that she wants to see Abby’s dance before she goes ahead and enters their own group dance. She’s sick of coming in second and if that’s what it looks like is going to happen, she ain’t chancing it. The mothers want to know what that will teach their kids. Cathy doesn’t care.
Only five girls in the dance looks really weird and the camera angles are, one again, hideous (sole of dance shoe! Chloe’s shoulder!), but the dance itself is pretty cook, and Fallon holds her own nicely. Abby throws her hands in the air and says they were outstanding.
While the Pitt Crew starts chanting in the audience for the Apples to do their thing, Cathy decides their thing will not be done. She tells her team that the dance is not ready. She’s, you know, Red With Envy and not about to ensure herself a loss. The little Apples start to cry and Maddie appears in the audience to report back on this development. Abby says Cathy is just a bad dance teacher and a coward. And, you know, Red with Envy.
Awards time. Because there appears to be about 11 dancers total who are not ALDC or CADC, Fallon gets third even though she made up half her dance. Kendall comes in second to Gavin by one tenth of a point. Even so, Abby says she’s thrilled.
Red with Envy makes it ten for ten. Back in the get-ready, Chloe is first to hug Abby and we have another poem: One two three. We are Abby Lee. Four five six. You should see our kicks. Eight Nine Ten. We just won again.
Seven seven seven! What happened to seven?
After the little celebration. Abby informs Fallon and Cheryl that their time at ALDC is over, and I doubt either is really all that put out about it.
Then the mothers carry on the fine, fine tradition of fighting with Cathy in the hallway. They want to know why she pulled the Apples group dance. Cathy says it’s none of their business. Maybe not, says Christi, but it’s the Apple parents’ business. When Abby appears to join in the fun, Cathy informs her that her size and her mouth do not intimidate me. “What?” say the mothers. “Pardon me?” says Abby. Cathy thinks that’s a mighty posh way of putting it. Lori thinks Cathy has seen footage of Abby’s size and mouth advancing on Kelly. But for once the ALDC ends an episode with everyone in the Pitt Crew on a united front.
Next week, we go back to what we do best. Picking on Leslie, hatin’ on the Apples and dancin’ with drag queens!!
So what say you, Dance Moms nation? Should we riot for some screeners? Are you kind of appalled that Fallon missed school for this? How old do you think Cheryl is? Does Maryen really want Stuffed Baby creeping up her hospice room? Who’s happy to see drag queens! Sound off in the comments section below.
New episodes of Dance Moms air Tuesdays at 9/8CT on Lifetime.