Dating Naked Recap: Episode 2, Steven and Taryn

Oh Dating Naked, you’re fun. You remind me of college days when I’d drink too much and make poor choices. You’re that kind of show. The show where the contestants will likely sit around the TV with their friends and family and be supremely embarrassed that there were cameras around to catch their late night actions. And even for the participants who don’t make asses of themselves, there are enough cameras that if your date involves anything remotely physical, there is the potential for multiple angles of awkwardly splayed legs revealing parts of your outside that might be considered your insides.

Let’s meet today’s nudes.

Dating NakedSteven
Age 35, from Sydney Australia. Lives in LA and is a freelance writer. Steven says he’s the king of the nerds I actually watched the show, King of the Nerds, and I agree, he would have fit in fine.
He says, “I like the cool chick, but the cool chick doesn’t go for the nerd guy.”
He then says, “I’ve built up a little crusty shell over my heart.” Careful Steve, I think the word “crusty” is not the word you want to use to describe any part of your anatomy.

Taryn
Age Unknown from San Francisco. She’s a hairstylist. Outgoing.
She says, “I pick the wrong people.” And wants to date other types of people.

When Taryn says “Other Types of people,” I don’t think she means Steven. When they meet, poor Steven needs sunglasses. His eyes are so squinted, that he must be nearly blind. He looks like a pale guy. I can’t wait to see his naked fanny.

He may be pasty, but he’s also funny. “I’m going to go on 3 naked dates, you know what that means…6 boobs!”

Taryn doesn’t seem excited for her first paramour.

Joke-a-minute Steven, “Usually it takes me 3 or 4 dates to see my girl naked, This is such a time saver.”

Steven is geeky charming. If he didn’t look like he should be in the cast of a touring production of Revenge of the Nerds: the Musical, he might bed me with his humor and his accent.

I think Taryn thinks she’s a lot prettier than she really is. I think her main detracting feature is her terrible hair extensions. They are almost waist length and need to be brushed. We’ll see how they fare after water sports. She may be using the extensions to cover herself. With a little less hair and a little more natural, she would be stunning.

Their first date is water skiing. I grew up water skiing, and if you take a tough fall, water can go in places that you really don’t want it to travel at a high velocity. Stephen tries and fails several times. Definitely got a few motorboat enemas.

Then Taryn jumps in and tries wakeboarding. She pops up like a pro and makes it look easy. Steven ties again and fails again. He must be the only Aussie who isn’t a water sport virtuoso. Don’t Australian babies get born and then dive into the surf? No? That’s a baby turtle you say? Oh, I could have sworn it was Australians.

Dating NakedLater, they eat giant watermelon. Careful gang, watermelon is a natural laxative, and I think Steven’s colon has already gotten enough abuse for one day.

Back at the villa Taryn and Steven play strip comedy. If Steven can’t make Taryn Laugh, he has to take off an item of clothing. Taryn is a stone-faced, and in no time, Steven’s butt naked and leaps into the water. Taryn finds Steven charming and he slides into the dreaded “friend zone.” Even Steven knows that there wasn’t a romantic connection

Date #2.
Dating NakedSteven meets Ashley from South Carolina. A raven-haired beauty with a curvier body. She’s very outgoing and likes Steven’s jokes. Their date is ATVing through the Jungle. Steven has never ATVd but Ashley is a good Southern girl, so this is second nature for her. Ashley lets Steven has a turn driving the ATV and he breaks it. Whoops!

Taryn meets Dar from Portland. Dar has an Israeli accent and he’s mildly attractive and mildly repulsive. Like Dave Grohl. But he has a nose ring which is icky. I’m pretty sure Dar has sex to the music of a sitar and on a special love-making mat. He’s got a pretty good body, and seems like he’s used to being naked. Their date is taking photos. So gross. Dar takes pictures when making “His art” and Taryn is super creeped out that a stranger is photographing her nude. Why doesn’t she get to take pictures of Dar? Creepers. The photo shoot reminded me of a Lifetime movie where some young girl gets talked into taking skeevy photos and they end up ruining her chances of becoming an astronaut or president or something.

Steven and Ashley head to a hut for an island fruit tasting. Steven blindfolds Ashley and she samples fruit. Some of the fruit is tasty, and some is hilariously not.

“He put some really gross things in my mouth.” Steven tries a mega-hot pepper and he looks like either his head is going to pop off or he’s going to spontaneously combust.

Taryn and Dar review her photos. He was nice and told her how beautiful she looked, which made the casting-couch photo session only mildly less creepy.

Dating NakedBack at the Villa, the foursome hang out and have a fun night of drinking and swimming and drinking and drinking. Did I mention they’re drinking? Ashley gets wasted and tells Steve that there is no way they’re going to @#$%. Ouch! Steve decides it’s time for bed. After Assley heads to bed too, Taryn and Dar smoochie-smoochie and that leads to a night-vision camera showing them sneaking into her room. I’m pretty sure they boned.

Date #3
Taryn meets Andrew, a cocky hottie. Taryn is probably regretting having sex with Dar the night before because she’s immediately attracted to Andrew. Remember how Taryn was looking forward to dating someone new? She’s a liar. Their date is salsa dancing and Andrew is excited. He is actually the first man in history to be excited to go salsa dancing. This is a major red flag for me.

Steven meets Marissa a beautiful video game tester. She’s another woman with long Pocahontas hair, and she’s looking for someone funny and geeky. Conveniently, Steve is funny and geeky! They play badminton; build sandcastles (Marissa buries Steven in the sand and forms the sand into a giant phallus) and they have great chemistry! Marissa mentions she does Cosplay, which is something that I don’t quite understand, but the photos of her online are gorgeous. (She is known as Celeste Orchid)

Dating NakedTaryn and Andrew eat fondue including the softest banana I’ve ever seen. That fruit definitely looked overripe and I’d worry about getting some kind of parasite from that rotten fruit. Come to think of it, I’d worry about getting a parasite form Taryn’s rotten fruit too.

Marissa and Steve drink beer and she reveals that she treats men like “candy,” meaning she spis them out when she’s doe with them and doesn’t treat them well. When you look like her, and you’re a Cosplay woman, you can have any nerd you choose and not worry about being “nice.”

Dating NakedThat night at the Jungle Villa, it gets awkward for Taryn.  Not only because she likes both Dar and Andrew, but because she’s forced to perch on the end of the world’s least-comfortable couch. Dar gets jealous when she does a body shot off of Andrew, mostly because Andrew has the world’s smoothest man-tummy. Steve asks Marissa out on a second date and she says yes. Andrew and Taryn head off for some alone time leaving Dar naked in the pool. Andrew and Taryn agree to meet up later in the room. Dar is upset and feels like a second choice. Taryn tries to smooth his hurt feelings. They kiss, but she leaves and ends up naked with Andrew in her room. If clever TV innuendo is to be believed, Taryn again slept with her date.

The next day in the elimination ceremony, Steven chooses Marissa and they are excited for their second date. But of course he chose her. Taryn has already slept with every other guy on the island, and Ashley said they’re never going to do it, and even if Marissa treats him like gum and spits him out once he’s lost his flavor, at least he’s been in her mouth, right? Taryn has a harder choice, between Dar, who is not her usual type but who is calming and Andrew, who is more her normal type (and attractive) so she picks Andrew. Because, she’s shallow like that. And a liar.

5 Comments

  1. I feel like taryn could have carried herself like a lady a bit more. Regardless if she slept with either of them or not she was making herself look too easy for a first date…. Just saying

  2. Taryn is a filthy cum dumpster. I’d date her though. But only because I know she puts out on the first date. Call me babe!

  3. Several things…..as the writer above implied, this was clever TV editing. I personally know Taryn and when it looked like she was hooking up with Dar, they were really going into Ashley’s room to hang out. Check the Dating Naked fb page for confirmation from all involved parties. Also, when somebody wants to “date somebody different,” it doesn’t change your type entirely. There has to be attraction to begin with. People that have nothing better to do than attack strangers on online comment sections are really the ones that should be worried about themselves.

  4. Just saw this episode. That taryn is a real skank. And those hooker eyelashes make her look like a seasoned crack whore.

  5. Did Taryn sleep with both guys?? Just looked like it on the show. Did not look good. Then she said she has been known to sleep with guys on the first night. Lol parents must be proud.. Js

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