Girlfriends Guide to Divorce recap episode 2: “Rule #174: Never Trust Anyone Who Charges By the Hour”

Last Night’s Girlfriends Guide to Divorce was called “Never Trust Anyone Who Charges By the Hour.” You know, like lawyers. Or your dominatrix. Or a lawyer who knows your dominatrix. But we’ll get to that in a bit.

RELATED: Lisa Edelstein and Marti Noxon talk Girlfriends’ Guide to Divorce on Bravo!

What the episode is really about is a trifecta of issues only too familiar to those of us who’ve gone through divorce — lawyering up, dividing the dollars, and when standing up for yourself blurs into revenge. And to the show’s credit, it addresses all three with a clear-eyed understanding that sometimes you yell, sometimes you cry … and sometimes you just have to laugh.

This is where we find Abby (Lisa Edelstein) in Episode 2.

More specifically, sitting cross-legged on her bed, watching Kathie Lee Gifford inform the world via the Today show that whilst everyone thinks it would be better if his or her spouse, ex or otherwise, were dead one time or another, you just don’t say it out loud. Kathie Lee should know, ain’t that right, Frank? And we’ve all probably said it out loud at one time or another. Just not in public on the launch of our fabulous book tour. But over drinks with friends … or to the person looking back at us in the mirror … or to the dog.

Reasonably immobilized by the sudden collapse of her career and her enduring need to be a walking example of her “you can do it!” books anyway — and, thus, have the nicest little divorce ever — Abby earns herself a pep talk from Lyla (Janeane Garofolo) who tells her that she needs to shower and shine and show the world what a champ she is.

And also … lawyer the hell up and now.

Those of us with our uncouplings well in the rear view know that, no matter how cozy the proceedings, the answer is pretty much always lawyer up. Especially if there are kids involved. Super-especially if there are unequal finances involved. And no matter how snuggly you think your relationship with your soon-to-be ex might be. If you were that swell of pals, your marriage would not be ending, capiche?

Abby accomplishes the shower part and heads off to talk crisis management with her book editor — who, it turns out, has pawned her off on a chirpy young newbie whose first job it is to tell Abby that while there will be no book tour, she could opt for the fasted route to public forgiveness for a public figure — good ol’ rehab. “Those places take everybody,” announces the little ray of sunshine. “We send out a press release. You’re in rehab, you’re getting treatment — boom! You’re forgiven!”

And Abby’s day isn’t about to get any better. She and Jake (Paul Adelstein) meet up to find him an apartment of his own, which she will pay for — for now. He prefers a $4,500 unit across from The Grove, so the kids have something to do when they’re with Dad. Abby reminds him that she has no idea where their collective next dollar is coming from and “you haven’t had a job in ten years, so it might take you while.” “Because I haven’t worked, I should stay somewhere crappy?” he fires back. Abby looks stricken. The thing about long marriages — you know how many buttons and exactly when to push which.

We also get a little better idea of whom Jake’s “CW actress” lover Becca (Julianna Gull) is — and bravo to series writer Marti Noxon for allowing her to be mature and financially savvy, even if she is a pretty young thing in Hollywood. Yes, this is a young woman who is dallying publically with a still-married man. But Becca hasn’t been cast as a villain or a cliché, which allows we the viewers to do whatever judging to which we may be inclined all by ourselves without being force-fed stereotypes. That is refreshing. Sometimes marriages break up. Sometimes the next person is a better fit. And a perfectly decent person. Sometimes these things just … happen.

Becca gives her man a few job leads and offers to let him live in one of her abodes while he sorts it all out. He tells her that might be moving a bit too fast. In other words, living with the next is not too solid a way to continue to receive money from the former, after all. Not to mention the part where you are leaping from one living, breathing island to the next, where financial dependence is concerned. And for a decent soul like Jake — and he does seem to be one — that part can pinch. Especially when society as a whole does not recognize keeping home and kids as a career, no matter which sex is accomplishing the task.

RELATED: The Coworkers’ Guide to Girlfriends’ Guide to Divorce, episode 2

Meanwhile, Lyla’s own familial woes are humming along in colorful fashion — literally. After she got him dinged for a DUI in last week’s episode — forcing his dominatrix to give their kids a lift to school this week — Lyla’s ex Dan (Michael Weaver) has her car towed. To Compton. To have it customized. With “Bitch on Wheels” right there in flaming graffiti style on the driver’s side door. I don’t personally know anyone who has resorted to this sort of slapstick behavior — even in the ugliest of uncouplings — but I imagine it does happen. All the same, I am glad we get a nice little emotional payout for this duo’s high jinks at the end of the hour.

Also of note: Lyla’s son is convinced the California drought is the demise of universe — or their family at a minimum. It makes for a nice little distraction.

At lunch with the girls, Phoebe (Beau Garrett) offers to connect Abby with her own divorce attorney, Delia, who managed to wrangle an amicable outcome for her. When Abby demurs, Phoebe arranges a meeting between the two by booking what Abby’s fears is another “Lady date” after her hippie-goddess pal planted one on her last week. Phoebe says she’s just a “lezzie drunk.” We girls get like that sometimes when we just loooove our besties.

GIRLFRIENDS GUIDE TO DIVORC

Turns out, Delia (Necar Zadegan, 24) is as wise as she is stunning. The no-nonsense attorney with a soothing purr for a voice informs Abby that mediators just prey on people who feel bad about the proceedings and are hoping everyone can just … get … along (amen to that, sister). Which is usually the woman — especially if she is the primary breadwinner in a world that is just not used to that yet, and may never, ever be.

“A woman earner comes out of a marriage and she feels bad because she’s been the man and it’s not natural,” says Delia. “I’m not saying it’s wrong. I’m saying it’s not natural. We say we want a man who will wash the dishes and change the diapers — but we do not want to screw him. And he’s not too thrilled with us either. That’s why marriage as we know it is dead. …If he’s been comfortable ‘transitioning’ instead of working, he will be comfortable taking you for all you’ve got.”

To complicate matters as she sorts this out, we finally get our first look at Abby’s online soul mate Nate (yes, Ponyboy fans, that is C. Thomas Howell), who finds her in front of the kids’ school and informs her that her communications are his “Helvetica oxygen.” And, as Lyla pointed out earlier, he is handsome and employed. What IS a woman to do? Especially when you want to be really annoyed at your soon-to-be-ex for coupling up again.

So Abby and Jake take a stab at mediation and Abby is wounded to see Jake is no longer wearing his wedding ring. Still trying to convince herself that they will forever be a family unit of some substance, she tells him that she wants the children to be raised Jewish — even though he’s only “half Jewish” — and for the four of them to celebrate Shabbat every week. Even though they haven’t really done that. It’s important now.

Meantime, Phoebe enjoys another post-divorce roll in the hay — er, roll on the bedroom floor — with her own ex, for which he rewards her with a dainty diamond bracelet and the comment that she doesn’t need to find a purpose, because “I’m sure you’ll find another sucker to marry you any day now.” Ouch. Even for a go-with-the-flow gal like Phoebe.

But when life gives Phoebe lemons, Phoebe makes diamond-accented lemonade. Realizing she and Lyla purchased the same baby shower gift for a hoity-toity friend, Phoebs reaches into her purse, pulls out a tweezer and manicure snips and fashions a tiny bracelet for the impending new arrival. Bam! Phoebe has found her calling, courtesy of the last sucker who married her — and gave her all the raw materials she needs to launch the effort.

“You gave Baby Goodman whore jewelry,” Lyla cheerfully points out. Lyla’s been a busy girl herself, visiting Veruca the Dominatrix with a no-more-Dan offer she can’t refuse (“ultimately we’re both very good at bringing people to their knees”), applying for jobs in his name and cancelling his credit cards to drive home the point that Dan should start taking those employers’ phone calls, pronto.

“I told you — don’t provoke me,” she tells him.

“I just fire back,” he says, “but when you play, you play to hurt. Spencer and Eric, too. You never should have kids. It’s just not in your wheelhouse. I’m going to sue for full custody. How’s that for dramatic?”

Good. And hopefully we can take this couple a bit more seriously now, with all due respect to comic relief and the idea that everyone’s divorce is different. Really, really different.

The source of Baby Goodman’s new jewelry is not the only revelation at the baby shower (purported to be hosted by Gwyneth Paltrow, whom the ladies decide has “chose ass over face” in the prolong-your-youth department). Becca shows up, too, and when she crosses paths with Abby and mentions that Jake has signed a lease on the spendy apartment, something shifts in Abby. She kicks him out, livid about his new arrangement, and when he says they can survive on their savings, she snarls, “I have savings. That’s MY money!”

Who’s either said it or heard, people? Show of hands. Everybody, married or otherwise?

And when she also informs him that it’s time to lawyer up, he retorts that he already has. Which, it turns out is not the truth, since we see him making the sad phone call in his car.

This would make a pithy enough ending for the episode, but Girlfriends is smarter than that, because, as viewers, we’ve seen this sort of thing before. Instead — as a mournful version of Great Big World’s “Say Something” plays in the background — we see this couple, this couple of decent people in the toughest of circumstances, keep their promise to their family and celebrate a solemn Shabbat. Because sometimes marriages break up. Sometimes it is agonizing. And sometimes, lovely moments happen anyway.

So what say you, Girlfriends’ Guide fans? What parts of the series do you find most — or least — authentic? Are you happy to see some gravitas come to Dan and Lyla? Are you happy to see Phoebe find her purpose? Does Jake deserve his $4,500/month digs? Does Abby deserve her indignation? Should Abby allow herself to enjoy Nate’s attention? Would you let your baby wear diamonds? Sounds off in the comments section below.

New episodes of Girlfriends’ Guide to Divorce air Tuesdays at 10/9CT on Bravo.

Images/video: NBC Universal

1 Comment

  1. I love everything about this show. I was sure it would be crappy but it´s my new guilty-free pleasure. Marti Noxon is a genius and i love Lisa Edelstein.

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About Lori Acken 1195 Articles
Lori just hasn't been the same since "thirtysomething" and "Northern Exposure" went off the air.