Dance Moms recap Season 5 Episode 4: What’s My Age Again?

Déjà vu all over again, Dance Moms faithful. Jojo’s back. Kalani’s back. I’m back. We’re going back to Woodbridge, VA. Anybody else besides me starting to tick off how fast the years are going by not by our own birthdays but by how quickly we return to Virginia? And New Jersey. And Ohio. Oh please let us return to Ohio. If I have to come back to this, so do you, Cathy Nesbitt-Stein.

We start out with Abby sporting some serious Something About Mary bangs …

…and then with some pretty tough news. Nia’s Grandpa Frazier is on borrowed time and she’s worried that if she heads out to L.A., she might miss her final moments with him. The poor girl does her best not to crumble, but the tears come anyway and Abby tells her it’s OK to let that happen.

We get an aside with a kinder, gentler Abby saying she knows what it’s like to watch a loved one wither away. Still, she says, Grandpa would want Nia to head west.

Despite last week’s junior jackassery, Abby says that, even though JoJo can be rude, she can also get on stage and be fabulous. Third-place fabulous! Rude and third-place fabulous! Who wants to bet she’s top of the pyramid, too, because today is Abby Breaks Her Own Rules Day. Don’t save the tears for your pillow. Third place isn’t the biggest loser times two! Smart off like there’s no tomorrow — it just means you have spunk! Yes, I know pretty much every day is that but I’ve been away for a while.

Abby says she doesn’t know if everyone is L.A.-ready what with that whole second-place group dance. For shame. (Unless you’re JoJo, in which case — hey! Something to aspire to!)

Because it’s Holly’s job to do so this season, she interjects with a little worry that all this bi-coastal business is taking Abby away from working with the girls as much as she could. Not to worry, Holly. Ab can bring home the bacon. Fry it up in a pan. And never, never let you forget her big plan … ’cause she’s uh-Aaaaabby. Snort!

Do they even make Enjoli anymore? Raise your hand if you remember Enjoli. Good God. You can buy that which used to set you back eight bucks at the drug store on Amazon for $220. Ten seconds while I shake the Charles of the Ritz- induced giggles.

Holly isn’t buying any of this.

Pyramid time. Bottom of the bottom is Nia. (We made Nia wear overalls and an afro in her new head shot?) Anyway, she landed there because you know what Abby said about the group dance failing. All Nia’s fault. Next is Kendall, because of course it is. Rounding out the bottom is Kalani. She was brought here to win and the group dance got second. So … that.

Row two begins with Maddie. She wasn’t there to support her team, but she WAS in L.A. with Sia and a lot of other celebrities, so big round of applause. Next is JoJo. We don’t even bother with WHAT THE HELL, THIRD PLACE? and go right on into is she or isn’t she headed to L.A.? Abby says she isn’t sure JoJo knows her place and Jessalyn interrupts to say that’s a good thing, speaking up. No, it’s not, says Kira, doing a spot-on imitation of the little pip bragging about the clothes she got for fwee.

 Jess says that’s what they’re there for — to shake the place up. Lori says would someone please ask Abby why a third place solo and 1/5 of the failed group dance earned JoJo a fwee pass to spot #2. No? You moms are just going to take that lying down? Er, standing up? Fine. I do not know you people anymore.

Mack gets the top for boom-booming her way to the top.

First solo in Woodbridge goes to Kendall. Jill beams. Even after Abby announces the dance is called “Clueless.” Jill announces that she has “an event “ in Kentucky, so she’s going to leave Kendall with Melissa and then meet up with everyone in Virginie. Abby don’t care.

Maddie gets a solo called She’s History. And JoJo gets one called Fashion Victim. You know, because she did so well with last week’s solo, unlike Mack who, uh, won. I’m not bitter about you, JoJo. I’m bitter about the rule-bending. But I must let it goooooo …. Let it gooooooo…

…speaking of which …
…the group routine is called Frozen Together. Last one before L.A. so it better be good. Let’s work.

Up in the Mom Loft, Holly is fussing. Then Jessalyn takes Kira to task for making fun of JoJo’s lisp. Kira says she wasn’t either — she was pointing out that the kid is obnoxious. Yes, but in front of the kids, says Jess. Double standard. Kira looks chastened. Jill looks like this.

We get into a little group tussle about the new mom being an instigator (yawn!) and the old moms not appreciating it (yawn!) and life goes on as usual in the Mom Loft. What we need up here is Andy Cohen and a bar to liven things up. Maybe we can arrange a Network Exchange Program with Bravo.

When we come back from commercial break, we pop in on Jess and JoJo in their hotel room, where we bleach JoJo’s roots and establish that she is uuuhhhhhalways ready for Hollywood. That’s just who she is.

JoJo says she wants to be on Abby’s team AND do big things in the industry all at the same time. Jess, I had a middle-school lisper, too, so I feel ya, sister, but if JoJo wants to do movies, a speech therapist needs to be part of the plan. The girl isn’t going to outgrow it if she hasn’t by now.

Let’s rehearse JoJo’s solo. But first a quick lesson from Abby that positive attention is good and negative attention is bad. Watching from the sidelines, the girls support their fellow dancer. Up in the Mom Loft, Jess wants to know if everyone is going to be OK with J-O-J-O being part of ALDC L.A. Whatevs says Melissa. Holly beats the you’re-an-outsider dead horse to death with a death-inducing thing. Holly. Blossom. We all know how this works. Her time is limited just like all the other outsider mothers. Chill. Ask for new lines. Something.

Jess says they’re all just threatened and that’s OK. Ladies?

Yes.

Maddie is going to play up a washed-up old silent movie star in her solo, which she finds highly amusing. Upstairs, Mama Ziegler ticks off all the swell things her not-washed-up daughters have on their dance cards. Maddie is reading a script. Seacrest wants to interview her and Mack. More magazine coverage. Take that, Jess! Jess calmly asks what anybody else’s kid has going on, courtesy of Abby. Touche’.

Abby checks in with Nia and finds out Grandpa is doing better. Abby’s praying. Abby’s Team Frazier.

JoJo is proving not too hot at being team anything. Abby says that even if you want to be a star, to be a successful working dancer, you have to be able to dance nicely with others. Eying JoJo’s patriotic get-up, Abby asks Gia for her opinion on whether it’s worth proceeding with “Miss USO” and JoJo decides a good response would be this:

Miss USO is dismissed to go tell Mrs. USO that she will not be in the group dance … even though the part Miss ALDC says she’s late on, she’s not even late on, so there. She tears up and Jess tells her Abby isn’t worth it. Who takes JoJo out of a dance? Seriously! Gah! The woman who is coming up to talk Cali does, that’s who.

Abby says that whomever rides into L.A. on the Abby train shall not go rogue and get off at other stations all by themselves. Abby says who is available, when they’re available and for what. Period. Holly says that’s all well and good as long as she is looking equally hard for opportunities for all of the girls, not just the shoo-ins.

When Abby brings up JoJo’s shortcomings on the group dance, Jess says there are none and JoJo will book jobs, sure as the bow on her head. Besides, Jess gave up a lot to be here for these two weeks, so there. Nice knowing you, Jess. Enjoy your last 20 minutes on the show.

Kendall’s solo is based on the movie Clueless, which is the reason Kira’s first car was a Jeep. Kendall nails it. The mothers call the absent Jill to rub it in. Jess says JoJo will beat her, anyway. Speaking of clueless.

Ohhhhhhh. Grandad! Nia! The cutest!

More rehearsing the pretty group dance. More discussing whether Abby will be worth the trek to LA. And then it’s time for the trek to Woodbridge. Yaaaaaaaay!

LOL.

Nia takes a call from Grandad who is doing real good. Staying doing real good, granddad. I’m feeling fragile about you.

Then Abby gets a call, too. Who could it be from?

Ok, not from Jesus. From someone who makes her feel bad. Like this.

Abby mutters to Gia about putting Kalani in instead of …someone … and when JoJo asks for the order of the solos, Abby flips her $#!+ at the kid. Apparently it’s because Abby felt interrupted. I didn’t really see that. Kira didn’t really see that.

JoJo looks like she knows where Abby lays her head at night and isn’t afraid to take advantage of that…

Out in the hall, the mothers speculate about what put a bee in Abby’s bonnet, and Abby and Gia show up to clear up the mystery. Turns out when Gia turned in music, they discovered Maddie and Kendall are in the teen division, even though they are not teens. Group is a teen group, too. JoJo’s the only junior.

Abby says she’s not about to sully Maddie’s winning record now that she’s a celebrity on her way to L.A. Dude. Maddie is dancing with Sia here, there and everywhere. Seacrest wants to chat. What happens in Woodbridge means nada.

Besides, the kid just nailed her solo to the wall and then some. And we really should be worrying about Jill, who thinks the other dancers in the teen category are twice Kendall and Maddie’s age. They’re about to get beaten by 24-year-old teenagers! What kind of hell hole is this???

Kendall may have a little rougher time of the new slot, though, since her dance is junior-cutesy, music, movement and all. She performs it perfectly adorably, but I’m going to imagine it doesn’t hold a candle to the sophistication of the other routines.

JoJo is sporting a gargantuan yellow feathered bow for a top and performs her routine with an equally gargantuan amount of sass and style. Abby frowns through the entire thing and applauds half-heartedly. Still, Jill says the road to L.A. just got easier for JoJo and I think she might be right.

Today, the success of the group dance rides on Maddie’s shoulders … unless. UNLESS! Even though JoJo hasn’t rehearsed the thing since she got the boot, Jess reminds Abby that if she replaces one of the “older” dancers with JoJo, it will drop the dance down to the junior division. The only one who qualifies as “older” is Nia.

Step off, pipsqueak.

You do not want to mess with Grandad’s girl. Not now.

Holly tries to get JoJo to say whether she truly feels that Nia should not dance at all this week so she can have her spot, but before the kid can shoot herself in the foot with her face once again, Jess steps in and says it was her idea, so never mind the kid.

The kid asks Abby anyway. Not bothering to look up, Abby says she doesn’t dance well with others. Frozen out, kid. Jess is shocked. It’s a baby dance, says she. Not worthy of the teen division.

The song is annoying as hell, but the costumes and makeup are stunning, the dance is lovely, if — as Holly points out — somewhat predictable, and the girls are spot on.

We even get a smattering of fake snow at the end.

Awards time.

Abby says that with no competition from Kendall and Maddie, JoJo has no excuse not to win. Whoops. The Fashion Victim is the victim of two higher-scoring dancers. She’s not all that, says Jill.

Kendall gets third place, too, which is actually better than I was expecting the girl to fare. Maddie wins. Abby says she’s the only one she can count on.

The group gets second place. Everyone looks appropriately terrified.

Back in the dressing room, the moms wonder if Abby has what it takes to take their kids places in L.A. Been a while since we won overall high score. Hmmmmm….

Abby rejoins the group and wants to talk a little Cali before the girls come in. Maddie has already booked Austin and Ally and …. Holly cuts Abby off. She no longer wants Abby to say. She wants Abby to do. And not just right by Maddie. They only want Maddie, says Abby. That’s because Maddie is the only one who has been promoted, say Holly and Jill. And if Abby isn’t going to shake the opportunity tree for their girls, too, they will do it themselves. Only if I say OK, says Abby.

When the girls come back in, Abby gives them the usual what-for about second place and Jess asks what it means for JoJo. Abby says she doesn’t need another third-place dancer. No L.A. … as part of the competition team. But Abby will still be her manager if they come to L.A.

Jessalyn says Abby is lucky to have anything to do with JoJo and Abby retorts that she feels sorry for the kid because Jess is so busy telling her that everything she does is fabulous that she’s in for an awakening that is twice as rude as she is.

Jess says JoJo is the most commercial kid here. She’s also showing up in L.A. … next week on Dance Moms. Which appears to be least of Abby’s woes.

Sincerest condolences to the Frazier family.

So what say you, Dance Moms nation? Is Jessalyn raising a star … or a monster? Would the group dance have fared better had Abby followed her plan? Will Jill and Holly be wasting their time in L.A.? Will Holly rebel against being the whiny mom … soon? Sounds off in the comments section below.

New episodes of Dance Moms premiere Tuesdays at 9/8CT on Lifetime.