Recap: Naked and Afraid Uncensored

Naked and Afraid Uncensored

Aah the clip show. Once the mainstay of the sitcom or drama, where lazy writers would give us a look back a past events as an easy way to create an episode, now it’s the even lazier way of Reality TV producers to create not one — but two hours of programming out of old footage!

Naked and Afraid Uncensored
We swear, this is new!!! And by “new,” we mean old.

Naked and Afraid adds minutes of extra (but not interesting) footage and factoids that appear on screen. It’s the Pop-Up Videos of reality TV.

Florida Everglades with Ryan and Amber
First, we basically watch the entire episode of Ryan and Amber. I’ve never wanted to spend much time in the Florida Everglades and this episode didn’t add to that desire one iota. Especially when Amber proclaimed,

Naked and Afraid Uncensored

Amber spent most of her time in the Everglades wheedling Ryan for not catching an alligator. And she called him a “pussy,” then tapped out on day 16. Ryan is no dummy; he didn’t want anything to do with the business-end of a man-eater. Once Amber tapped out, he caught and ate one of Florida’s finest seemingly out of spite (But the nice guy he is, it wasn’t spite).

I have to say, Ryan is one of the most noble-seeming people that has ever participated on Naked and Afraid. I’m sure all of the participants are good folks, but he really is in a class by himself. I’m sure the casting people for the show were smitten with this cat.

Next, we head to…

Quintana Roo with Christina and Steve
As she rode in to her drop off point, Christina bravely proclaimed, “I’m going to make the Mexican Jungle my bitch; I’m gonna spank that ass!”
Remember Steve the lifecoach, who loves snakes? Remember his red underpants? I do!!!
Cenotes are Mexico’s party hotspots … if you’re a mosquito.
They stunk at making fire, but they didn’t give up and after almost an entire day trying with one of the dreaded orange-handled fire starters, they get fire.
Snake-lover Steve realizes that as much as he loves, loves snakes, and he hates, hates killing them, he likes them best when they’re in his belly.
Christina may have been one of the most entertaining participants on Naked and Afraid. Gurl was vocal about everything that was happening, and since the entire N&A experience pretty much sucks, she had a lot to say.  And she swore like a trucker; a mother trucker. Christina also hated being bitten by mosquitoes (me too!) and Steve Sunshine remained positive and supportive the entire time. And when she cried for nights and nights and nights about mugs, he built her a bed. Here’s Christina’s thoughts about that…

Naked and Afraid Uncensored

But despite having the patience of a saint, his patience eventually wears thin, and he looks like he could murder his partner.
Eventually, Christina fell to the malaise of jungle psychosis…

Naked and Afraid Uncensored

and by Day 18, even Steve started crying.
But get a little Toad in Christina and she’s a whole new person! And they’re besties once again!!

 

At the end of their 21 days, Christina realized that she didn’t make Mexico her bitch; instead she found her self in the middle of a human centipede with the Mexican Jungle and a large mosquito. And Steve was another bad-ass on this show.

So basically, this wasn’t even really that much new footage. Well played, Naked and Afraid; you just got me to watch two episodes that I’ve already watched, again! But the joke’s on you TV; my husband and I may have been celebrating our anniversary tonight (I know — we are so lame!!!), but we drank champagne while watching. And we watched naked! Wink, wink.

Next week blonde guy with beard, and a brunette woman who eats bananas. Apparently she hasn’t seen the same click-bait Internet article that pops up when I’m on Facebook that says “Never eat this food again,” and shows a picture of a banana. Rat meat isn’t looking too bad now, is it? According to the article, bananas are poison, or something. I never actually click on the article out of fear that I’ll see porn or someone will steal my credit card number.