🔪Read all of the Scream Queens ScreamCaps here, yo!😈
Sure, it seems a little redundant for Scream Queens to have a Halloween episode, but who are we to argue? Here’s the ScreamCap of the Oct. 6 episode “Chainsaw.”
Let’s review the hazing rituals:
Step 1: Read this.
Step 2: Read this.
Step 3: Watch the Scream Queens episodes or Step 4 will either A) spoil stuff or B) won’t make any damn sense.
Step 4: Read this recap in its entirety.
Step 5: Repeat Step 4 as necessary.
🎃 RELATED: DOWNLOAD CHANNEL GUIDE’S 2015 FRIGHT GUIDE! 🎃
On to “Haunted House”:
1. Chanel-O-Ween Delights Tens. Chanel No. 1 sends pity package Chanel-O-Ween gifts to inferior girls who idolize her, and they’re thrilled to receive a box of blood, a moldy jack-o-lantern, a cadaver’s severed head and the like. But you’d think a future network news anchor would know enough not to take video selfies with the phone in portrait mode.
2. I’ll Have The Kappawurst With Sauerkraut. “We need to dispose of this body on our own. I’ve got everything we need in the kitchen to make sausages out of her. I can sell them at the farmers market on Sunday or I can just feed them to these bitches for dinner.”
3. Rock You Like A Hurricane. The Red Devil might think he’s hot shit, but he’s got nothing on the murdering prowess of Mother Nature. Candle Vlogger Jennifer carved this jack-o-lantern with a representation of Hurricane Andrew, which killed 65 people and did more than $26 billion in damage in 1992. Not even Al Roker found that funny.
4. Oh HELL No! Black Hairy Tongue Is Real! The Chanels look to counter Zayday’s haunted house sickle cell anemia benefit with a pumpkin patch to benefit those suffering from Black Hairy Tongue. For the love of God, don’t do a Google image search for it!
5. RIP Dorothy Ann Jesperson. We know that Chad Radwell has a little necrophilia thing going on, but sometimes it’s hard to find an actual corpse to violate. So Chad heads out to the cemetery for a little graveside autoeroticism. “Bet you’re a sexy dirt-covered girl. That’s what I bet you are.” Gives literal meaning to “jump your bones,” eh? Eh.
6. Tell It To My Heart Here we learn that Denise tried to pledge KKT in 1988, but was rebuffed. She got through her Taylor Dayne phase, and ended up in community college and with a career at Secure Enforcement Solutions. Is it really love or just a game? It is just a game, my friends. Just a game.
7. The Fabric Of Your Bowels. So this is a real thing, too. The Chanels eat cotton balls. Sauce lubricates them so they don’t cause an intestinal blockage. Chanel No. 1 realizes this is B.S. and they don’t need to eat faux foods just to stay thin and impress dudes.
8. Chanels Take Out The Trash. Introducing rando frat douche Tommy. “Which one of you ladies would like to be my costume for Halloween? I’m going as Dude Having Awesome Sex With You.” Tommy messed with a bunch of hungry and empowered Chanels, and got a beatdown Billy Batts-style to the sounds of Belinda Carlisle’s “Mad About You.”
8. Hester Does Butt Stuff. “So, do you think you’re man enough to take me inside that house and attack my crack?”
9. Zayday Mayday! Zayday’s missing, and Grace wants to organize KKT to look for her. But the Chanels are proceeding with the pumpkin patch as planned. “Zayday should’ve considered the fact that she was going to get kidnapped before betraying me.”
10. There Are Still Milkmen In 1995? Investigating the hag in black legend, Grace learns that in 1995 someone who fits that description stole diapers from a convenience store and milk from a milkman, who couldn’t get a good look at the suspect due to the “all-around haggy nature of her person.”
11. And Here’s Your Hag. Would explain why she’s perpetually stuck in the 1990s.
