Posted by Knockturn

Picture it: a veterinarian’s office in Quahog. Brian’s in with the doctor trying to find the source of a bowel obstruction while his family anxiously waits in the lobby. Peter makes friends with a parrot and birdnaps it, replacing it with a moustached puppy so that no one will know what he’s done. Turns out that Brian had a used diaper inside him (”I thought it was Indian food!”), and while everyone’s sorting that out, Chris falls for Anna, the vet intern (voiced by Amanda Bynes).
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Wow, a new episode? Finally …

Brian and Stewie are at Joel’s 2nd birthday party when Brian spots a girl across the yard. When she tells him she thinks magicians are hot, he tells her he’s a magician and would be happy to do a show for her kid’s party. Stewie volunteers to be his assistant, but at the party it turns out that this woman has a boyfriend and they they’re completely happy in their fixer-upper relationship, so Brian bails.

Turns out that Brian found his soulmate years ago in the form of Tracey Flannigan, to whom he admittedly was not the nicest guy (he responded to her story of childhood molestation with, “so you DO go all the way …”)

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Posted by Sarah

Brian’s essay wins first prize in the Rising Writers contest, meaning that he gets a free trip to Martha’s Vineyard and the chance to read part of the essay at a celebratory dinner. And since Peter’s idiocy has been straining his relationship with Lois, Brian invites them to come along and have a vacation. But who’ll watch the kids? Cleveland’s busy, so they decide on Herbert: “You’ve spent time watching children, right?” “Yes, yes I have.” Herbert’s babysitting stint includes a sponge bath (unfortunately, not by the Griffin kid he’d hoped for), Scattergories, and a perverse reading of Peter and the Wolf that prompts Chris to ask him if he’s a pedophile. ‘Bout time, there, Chris.

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Posted by Sarah

At the Drunken Clam, Peter and the gang are watching G.I. Jose: A Real Mexican Hero, and after the little educational bit at the end is a news report about Barry Manilow coming to Quahog. Everyone takes a swipe at Manilow and his pathetic fans before admitting that they totally love him and own everything he’s ever recorded. Flash to the concert, where the four of them are weeping like the fangirls they are. Barry says he needs someone from the audience to sing to onstage, and after rejecting a Claire and a Harriet for incorrect numbers of syllables, he chooses Quagmire and serenades him with an altered version of “Mandy.”

The next day, Peter sees an ad for SUNDAY, SUNDAY, SUNDAY’s $12 Lasik surgery, but when he reaches for his wallet, it’s not there. His credit card bill shows that someone’s been charging thousands of dollars in his name. Brian figures out that the thief eats at the same restaurant every day, so they show up to confront him and it’s … James Woods! Escaped from the crate!

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Posted by Sarah

Flash floods are a problem all over Quahog … and they’re a great way to stay in shape. Cleveland is evacuated to the stadium, all by himself, even though his house isn’t even getting rained on. The Griffins are not so lucky — their first floor is under water, and when Peter sends Meg into the kitchen to save his six-pack of beer, she gets hooked on the fridge rack and loses consciousness. She’s in a coma, and Peter regrets treating her so badly all her life. He promises to treat her like a princess if she’ll just wake up. And she does, when hunky doctor Michael Milano comes into the room.

Back at the house, Stewie tells Brian about his new money-making idea: house flipping. He’s found a decrepit old mansion that he wants to remodel, and Brian reluctantly agrees to help.

Dr. Milano and Meg celebrate their three-week anniversary: he takes her to dinner and gives her a Maroon 5 cd because he knows she loves terrible music. Peter’s spying on them from across the way, and when Dr. Milano realizes how much Peter doesn’t trust him with his daughter, he dumps Meg.

Two weeks later, the family’s on the couch watching a movie that goes to commercial, and while old women dressed like Fanta Girls sing about Sanka, Meg bursts into tears and tells the family she’s pregnant. Peter goes to Dr. Milano’s house with a shotgun, but it’s not needed. Dr. Milano will marry Meg.

Meanwhile, Stewie and Brian aren’t doing very well on the house, over. So Stewie sets the thing on fire, over. And we get to watch it explode 25 times from 25 different angles in a blockbuster-montage way, over. Unfortunately, the electrician was still in the house, prompting Stewie to deliver one of my favorite lines of the episode, “Well, by God, Brian, we’re murderers.” Over.

Meg tries on wedding dresses and Lois offers alternatives to giving birth. The bachelorette party is a flop, since Peter is the stripper. When the day of the wedding arrives, Meg realizes she’s not pregnant, and when she tells the doctor, he leaves her at the altar. But since everyone showed up for the wedding and is expecting a show, Peter cuts to a clip of Conway Twitty singing “Hello, Darlin’.”

Overall, I give it a 3 out of 10. It wasn’t very good at all, but there were a few highlights, and it’s a great way to stay in shape:

• Peter saying “I’m a worse father than Abraham!” Cut to Abraham and Isaac walking down a mountain, and Isaac turns to Abraham and says, “You wanna tell me what the f*** that was???”
• I’m Rich and You’re Not, but Let’s Dance Together
• The 72 virgins awaiting a suicide bomber in heaven are all Trek/Potter geekboys playing Magic: The Gathering

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Posted by Sarah

Quahog’s Veterans Day celebration is the place to be. During the parade, Peter decides to try “The John McCain Experience”: He crawls into a bamboo cage and is poked with a sharp stick until he starts crying “I wanna be president!” Then Herbert starts singing “I’m Proud to Be an American” with a children’s choir, and the whole town is moved to tears. The performance inspires Peter to be the most patriotic he can be, which for him means wearing a sparkly American flag suit that Stewie says makes him look like the Statue of Liberty’s pimp. He also dresses in fatigues and plays the guitar, singing such touching songs as, “When you say ‘U.S.A.,’ I just say ‘hooray,’ and if you’re not from here God’s gonna hunt you down and give you AIDS.”

But the patriotism doesn’t stop there. While at the Drunken Clam with his peeps, he sees some Portuguese employees arguing and gets mad that so many illegal immigrants take jobs from American citizens. When he gets to work the next morning, he starts a company-wide background check. At home, he won’t let Stewie watch Speedy Gonzales, insisting that illegal immigrants are all “part of the Rebel Alliance.”

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Posted by Sarah

At the courthouse, Peter tells Lois he wants to hear all about her non-death … not that night, because he has plans, but definitely the next night. We see a replay of Lois falling over the back of the ship after Stewie shoots her. Luckily, a passing merman took her to shore and treated her, then asked permission to make love to her. Problem was, he had the head and torso of a fish, and the legs of a man. Lois refused to sleep with him, he got angry (”I think you kind of owe me”) and she pushed him down, leaving him to flail around in the sand with his little fish fins.

She had amnesia, and found herself in North Carolina where she got a job at a fat camp and started seeing a guy from town. When he finally introduced her to his friends, it turned out he was a white supremacist, but she didn’t grasp that fact until someone punched her in the head for suggesting that no one wanted the Holocaust to ever happen again. The head trauma caused her to remember who she was and what had happened, and she made her way back to Quahog to tell everyone what an evil baby Stewie is.

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Posted by Sarah

We finally made it to the 100th episode, and such an occasion deserves … a recap special! Hosted by Seth MacFarlane, the half-hour special looked back at some of his favorite Family Guy moments and heard from regular people just how horrible his show really is, but the best parts were his comments in between segments:

• “We celebrate 100 episodes of doing just enough to get by.”

• “We look back at the show that turned me from a poor, Vietnamese immigrant into a Caucasian millionaire.”

• “Dharma and Greg … what an awful awful show.”

• “[He laughs] I forgot how funny I am.”

• His description of what his show’s function is: “We hold a mirror up to society and say, ‘Society — you’re ugly and we don’t like what you’re doing.’”

• His closing line, “Hopefully, we won’t get canceled for two and a half %&#@ing years in the middle again.”

Then we got to see the 100th episode, which has been promoted for weeks as the one in which Stewie finally kills Lois.

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Posted by Sarah

We open with the Griffins watching Julia Louis-Dreyfus in her new show, Now, It’s Just Getting Sad. Brian doesn’t want to pee outside because it’s raining, so he asks to go inside on the paper. Good thing, because as he’s spreading it around the living room floor, he notices the ad that will get the plot rolling: The church is hiring a new organist. Lois auditions, as do the pirate (playing an amazing rendition of “Great Balls of Fire” with all 4 pegs) and the creepy old man (singing the Waitresses classic, “I Know What Boys Like”). In the end, Lois gets the job, and all is going well until she decides that church is a family thing, and forces everyone to go.

Stewie binges on communion fare and barfs it up in church, leading the town to believe he’s the devil and needs an exorcism. The Griffins flee to Texas (Brian: “We’re going to Texas in search of religious tolerance?”), while the nation is alerted to Stewie’s condition and police nationwide are searching for him. As a result, the family disguises Stewie as a girl.

They get to Lois’ sister’s house in Texas, and are greeted by neighbors who give them a needlepoint of Chuck Norris. Belt buckles and calendars everywhere proclaim that “Everything’s bigger and more ethical in Texas.” Lois loves this way of life and doesn’t want to leave it, even after the search for Stewie is called off because Vatican scientists have discovered that the devil isn’t the biggest threat to humanity — the Super Devil is.

Meanwhile, Meg and Chris join the Texas Youth Club, and their initiation is to steal GW’s underpants from the Crawford Ranch. They get past Cheney, who’s sleeping on guard duty, and find the Bush house full of photos of GW with Bin Laden and the Super Devil, ready-cut “lines of sugar” on mirrors with “razor blades, so he can shave,” and Planned Parenthood receipts. Eventually, they wake GW, who gives them beer, shows them his car, and gives them his briefs.

Stewie (as Stephanie) enters the Little Miss Texas pageant and wins, but his wig falls off during his acceptance bow and the audience runs him out of town for being gay.

Eventually, they all get back to Quahog, and Peter gives a PSA about how you can’t complain about what your kids watch on t.v. if you’re the one letting them watch it.

Highlights:

• Stewie imagining what it’d be like to meet Jesus (it involves a “where did the suds go?” sponge bath)
• The “Brat out of Hell” graphic on the newsflash about Stewie
• Brian’s exposure to Texas State Law, “Buy some liquor, get a free gun”
• Peter revealing to his fellow cowboys that his intelligence falls between “Average” and “Creationists,” causing them to strap him to the electric chair. “I always thought I’d die having to sit through a Canadian film festival.” Cut to said film festival, in which a man onscreen says, “I don’t wish to cause you harm, so I won’t. The end.”

Not bad, not bad. I give it a 7 out of 10.

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Posted by Sarah

When your wives and girlfriends invade the Drunken Clam, it’s time to find a new hangout. Or build a new one. By ripping off an entire side of your house and using the materials to slap together a shack called the “Quahog Men’s Club.” Somehow, the women are undeterred, and show up at the shack to dance the night away.

When Bonnie chooses to sit next to Joe instead of dancing with everyone else, Joe feels like his handicap is holding her back and decides he needs a leg transplant. Turning down the mermaid legs, Big Bird legs, and little kid legs offered him at the doctor’s office, he chooses the perfect pair for his body and goes under the knife while his surgeon watches an instructional video. The surgery is a success, and Joe’s got fully functional legs again. Hilariously, hospital policy dictates that he must leave the building in a wheelchair.

His newfound freedom turns Joe into an athletics-obsessed jerk who eventually ditches his old friends in favor of a gang of jocks. As if that wasn’t bad enough, he then leaves Bonnie, telling her to “keep the kid” the way someone else might say “keep the change.” Peter, Quagmire and Cleveland decide that the only way to fix everything is to re-cripple Joe.

They try to jump him at his house, but he kicks their asses for 5 whole minutes before Bonnie comes in with a gun and tries to shoot Joe in the spine. Instead, she hits his butt, arms, foot and ear, prompting Joe to take the gun from her and shoot his own spine.

All is once again right with the world.

Highlights:

• Cleveland ripping on Scrubs, “They always cut away for some bullcrap.” (cut to Hitler juggling fish on a unicycle)
• Mayor McCheese in Joe’s doctor’s office, getting turned down for plastic surgery
• A commercial for the new FOX show Who Wants to Marry Corky From “Life Goes On”?
• Judas and Pontius Pilate forging a new friendship and skipping off into the sunset while The Brady Bunch’s “It’s a Sunshine Day” plays in the background
• After Joe introduces all of his new jock friends by name, Cleveland asks, “Is Portland the black guy?” Yes, Portland is the black guy.

Good stuff, there. I give it 7.5 out of 10.

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