At the brewery, Peter gets called to the CEO’s office, and on the way discovers the Executive Bathroom. His helicopter ride to to the Jurassic Park-like jungle island toilet convinces him that he must move up in the company so that he can always poop in style. He tries everything he can think of to get promoted — wearing a suit, cleaning his office, building a robot that tries to kill people, blowing up a children’s hospital — but unfortunately, it turns out that he never completed the third grade, and if he wants to become an executive, he’s gotta go back (go back and do it all over … sorry, it’s a great song).
After Peter and the gang watch Jackass and are inspired to new heights of jackassery, Brian has to save Peter from drowning in the river. In doing so, he hurts himself, and everyone attributes it to his getting old. Lois points out that when you figure in his drinking and smoking, Brian is 79 in human years. To take the burden of being the family dog off of Brian, Peter goes out and gets a New Brian. Great idea, no? No.
A woman is dumped out of a van into the street by two people wearing HAZMAT suits. She stumbles into a local diner, and her disheveled, disoriented state causes her waiter to call the local lawman. The woman gets distressed, then everyone’s eyes start bleeding and her head explodes. Just another day at the office for Olivia, Walter and Peter.
The incident is traced back to the unbelievably high amount of radiation emanating from the woman’s body. Peter likens it to everyone who was in its path being cooked in a microwave. You know, like that scene in Gremlins. Adding to the grisly scene, Olivia is in a foul mood, refusing to engage in the typical TV-show banter with Peter. Charlie ironically wishes her a happy birthday, but we’re left believing there’s more to her irritability than the idea of adding another candle to the cake. We find out just how much more later.
The deceased woman, named Emily Kramer, is found to have had a rare, fatal blood disease that has no cure. But apparently she was cured, and Walter is driven to find out how. Well, after Peter gets back with that cotton candy he asked him for. But what they have figured out is that Emily was experimented upon in order to turn her into some kind of weapon. Meanwhile, another woman with the same disease goes missing. After questioning the husband and crashing a wake, Olivia and Peter discover that Emily and missing woman, Claire Williams, knew each other and were part of a circle of people suffering from the disease who decided to try to find a cure. Which they did.
Olivia confronts the Emily’s doctor, who previously had denied giving her any special treatment. He is so flustered by what has been uncovered, and how it relates to a huge drug company that he warns Olivia to back off. It’s the whole “you don’t know who you’re dealing with” spiel. But that’s not enough to illustrate his point. He whips out a gun, gives Olivia the name “David Esterbrook,” then blows his own brains out. [Read more →]
It’s estimated that more than 550,000 Americans and 6 million people worldwide will die from cancer this year. An impressive lineup of actors, musicians, athletes and journalists are coming together for what they hope is the beginning of the end of cancer: Stand Up to Cancer, an initiative aimed at raising funds for cancer research and bringing new therapies to patients more quickly. ABC, CBS and NBC will air this program commercial-free in prime time on Sept. 5.
Celebrities confirmed for the broadcast include:
Musicians: So far, only American Idol winner David Cook (pictured) has been announced, but more names will follow.
Actors: Casey Affleck, Jennifer Aniston, Christina Applegate, Josh Brolin, Dana Delany, Fran Drescher, Julia Louis-Dreyfus, Kirsten Dunst, Elle Fanning, Jon Favreau, America Ferrera, Sally Field, Neil Patrick Harris, Salma Hayek, Scarlett Johansson, Masi Oka, Christina Ricci, Meryl Streep, Hilary Swank, Charlize Theron, Goran Visnjic, Forest Whitaker
Sports stars: Lance Armstrong, Danica Patrick
News people: Katie Couric, Charles Gibson, Brian Williams, Robin Roberts
Animated folks: Homer and Marge Simpson
There are also creative projects across a wide array of platforms, including on the web, in an effort to get the word out that significant advances in cancer treatment are within reach.
For more information on the initiative and how you can get involved, visit standup2cancer.org.
Several sources, including that bastion of entertainment news TMZ, is reporting that American Idol newly crowned winner David Cook is dating Season 2 not-winner Kimberly Caldwell.
Ryan tells us that 97 1/2 million votes came in for American Idol’s Davids last night. Apparently that smashes the previous record by 20 million votes.
First we go to Mikalah Gordon in Kansas City. She tells me that David Cook rocks. Then we go to Utah and Matt ‘Queso’ Rogers. He’s surrounded by a bunch of blond girls who start an ‘Archuleta’ cheer. Squeal!
Then we move into the first Top 12 group number of the evening. First the contestants from that other Fox show, So You Think You Can Dance, do a rockin’ routine & show the Idols how to move. They’re all in white & singing ‘Get Ready.’ They’re also trying to step-touch out of the way of the people who can actually dance. Janice Dickinson — the world’s first supermodel — is screaming ‘I love you!’ to the group. I hope she means that collectively. I’d rather she yell at them and gesticulate in ways that things need to be blurred out. Good times. Oh, and call the girls ‘my bitches.’ I bet Brooke would love that. [Read more →]
I have a feeling we’ll have a bit of filler this time. We’re only getting 6 songs, so we’ve got to pad the hour somehow. We start cheesily with the Rocky theme and the dude who calls boxing matches, Michael Buffer. You know, the ‘let’s get ready to rumble’ guy. Or should I say, ruuuuuummmmmmmbbbbbbbblllllllllleeeeeee! We’re live from the really big Nokia Theatre and we learn that David Cook weighs 180 pounds. David Archuleta is described as being 100 pounds soaking wet. For some reason Ryan gives up his ‘This is American Idol!’ responsibilities for tonight. Under Buffer’s tutelage, it becomes ‘This is Ammmmmmmeeeeeerrrrrrrriiiiiiiiiccccccccccaaaaaaaaaaannnnnnnnn Idol!’
We’re filling time with a boxing allegory. I wish I were playing boxing on my Wii while watching this. Instead, I’m bringing my thoughts to you. [Read more →]
What is with Ryan not shaving? Does he have a bigger job that he has to look better for? Like being a DJ? Ryan can’t stop talking about Paula’s girls that are spilling out of her dress.
Cheesy group number comes belching out of the American Idol stage! The Top 3 are doing ‘Ain’t No Stopping Us Now.’ Kathy remembers that Clay and Ruben did this number in their finale show. The Idols are doing a jazz square kids! They’re not doing it well. David A is rockin’ a white Members Only Jacket. Ok, I don’t think it’s REALLY a Member’s Only Jacket, but it sure looks like one. The guys get to back up Syesha for the end of the song. Was that the producers trying to make nice after last night’s cruel joke?
Ford commercial! The Idols are seeing themselves as crazy rich people singing ‘How Far Is Heaven’ by Los Lonely Boys. Crazy rich people buy a lot of Fords. Sure they do. Man do the producers want a Daughtry out of David Cook. They’re starting to do the Christopher Lowell eye makeup on him. Then we get a recap of last night’s show. [Read more →]
American Idol producers have to fit 9 songs in a 1 hour-ish show. I’m totally appreciating the fact that this means there’s a minimal amount of filler in the show. Love that — keep things moving, Idol!
Ryan tells us that one of our contestants is on the brink of superstardom and gives an especially enthusiastic ‘This is American Idol!’ Even Ryan’s excited about tonight. He’s shoving the stage doors open. I don’t know if he’s trying to be funny or if it’s really broken. Marilu Henner is in the audience. Not quite sure if she’s promoting anything or just a fan. For some reason we have the contestants burp out of the center of the stage again, even though they were just on stage 1 minute ago.
We’re getting only a small amount of the hometown visits, which is a good thing. Paula’s choice for David is up first. Creepy dad is in the background when David gets the news.
